How Marriage Works:
21 Secrets William & Kate Need to Know
Secret #1: Trust
Q. Why is it so hard to trust my husband?
“My biggest issue on my part is trust. That really works against us
sometimes. I don't know why, but I have problems trusting period.
My husband is the one I trust the most, but I am always afraid I will do something that will make him leave. This is a me problem.”
—Kim at Scattered Stones
A. Most women have issues with trust. That’s because God has made us to be trusting receivers. And to receive is to admit our need.
Wait… stop.
Doesn’t God want us to be givers? Yes He does, and we certainly should. But generally that’s not our biggest problem.
Women, by and large, do give selflessly and tirelessly—particularly to our families. Sometimes we give to the point of playing the martyr.
Unlike men—who have the opposite tendency—women have great difficulty with receiving. In fact, we’re so reluctant that we must be exhorted by Scripture to do so (
Eph 5:22-28). We don’t like to be in need because need puts us in a vulnerable position. We’re afraid to risk having our feminine needs go unmet.
When our needs are overlooked or ignored, we blame the situation on ourselves. Our worst fears are confirmed. We mistakenly think we’re unlovable and unlovely. If our husband walked out on us today, we would erroneously conclude he had found us completely unworthy of his care.
Most women would rather have a root canal than come face to face with that particular demon!
However, we must understand that our husband’s puzzling responses are usually due to his own aversion to failure.To risk loving us is to risk being criticized for loving us incorrectly. Did you know that when a man leaves a relationship, it’s not because
he’s displeased? Rather, he leaves when he concludes he has failed in his attempts to please
his wife; when he thinks he simply does not have what it takes to make
her happy
(
1 Cor 7:33).
Until we learn to trust and be vulnerable to our husbands, we will never get the chance to feel his loving care. Similarly, he will never get the chance to feel successful in leading, loving, and serving us. Until then, we will continue to make the mistake of trying to “wear the pants” by taking charge and taking over (
Gen 3:16).
Let me tell you a little story about our basement. For years, the storage area downstairs went through the fill-up empty-out fill-up cycle. For instance, after our kids outgrew the playpen, stroller, swing, and crib, that equipment sat downstairs until we could barely squeeze past all the other things piling up
around it.
Eventually, I took everything to a consignment store and freed up all kinds of space. Delighted, my husband and I hooked elbows like square dancers and spun around in our new found “ballroom.”
Before too long, an old oak dresser found its way down to the basement. Other
cast-offs soon joined it.
In time, our storage area was full again. This time we trundled everything out to the backyard for a major sort—giveaways over here, throw-aways over there, and Craigslist items in the middle.
After many more scenarios like this, I marveled that no matter how empty that storage area became, it didn’t stay that way for long. Something was always on its way downstairs to fill it up again!
In a way, trust in marriage is just like the “wash, rinse, repeat” cycle in basements and garages. Since our husbands need to be respected and appreciated, when they recognize some empty floor space in our lives—a place of need—usually they will make an effort to try to meet it.
Just as nature abhors a vacuum, men are most attracted to the places where they think they will be useful. Doesn’t it make sense then that we should deliberately leave some appropriate open spaces to be filled up with our husbands’ loving attention, provision, and care?
A wife’s active trust empowers her husband like nothing else can. Active trust is not behaving like a helpless child. Active trust chooses to believe that our husbands have general good will toward us, they are doing their best to please us, but sometimes they lack the specific knowledge of how to do so.
So how can we overcome the disappointment and hurt of risking our vulnerability when our husbands do fail us? With genuine forgiveness (
Eph 4:32). When we forgive we feel the injury, mourn the pain, release the blame, and heal. With a clean heart, we can start all over by daring to trust our husbands once again.
Photos: esther1616 & JeanM1 (
Flickr)
Up Next—The Real Story of Saint Patrick
Would you tell me about your experience with trust in marriage?
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