A Question for You ...
This summer, one of my Boomer peers in the blogosphere, Barbara H. (Stray Thoughts) wrote me and asked a question about mentoring younger Christian women. Since everyone of us is older than someone, her question is applicable to Christian women of all ages.
Whether you are 25 or 55, there are plenty of sweet young ladies who crave your time, biblical wisdom, and encouragement. (If you're an empty-nester, you know there's plenty of mothering still to do!) I'm going to let you eavesdrop on part of our email conversation.
And then, please share your own thoughts in response to Barbara's question:
How do you as an "older woman" guide erring younger women/Moms gracefully?
By the way, if you're a younger Mom, please share what you expect and hope for from the older spiritual mothers in your life.
Conversation Between Barbara H & e-Mom
Hi e-Mom,
I have a question I've been pondering and I thought I'd toss it out as a potential idea for a Marriage Monday or other discussion on your blog.We know that as older women we're supposed to teach the younger, and many young women say they really want that. I know sometimes that takes the form of books, articles, devotionals, even blog posts, etc.
But I think a lot of it was meant to take place in the course of every day life as we interact with each other.
(I wrote a blog post about this here.)
So my question is, what do you do when you see a young woman being unsubmissive to her husband—going toe to toe and insisting he do what she wants when he has already said he wants to do something different. Or a young mom failing to discipline her child or making threats the child knows full well she won't keep, etc. I'm actually a bit more sympathetic to the young mom issue because I know it is awkward when a child acts out in front of others and she may not want to discipline then.
I know if/when we say anything it should only be with the greatest gentleness and in the Lord's leading and not in the heat of the moment. But it seems like instruction in those moments would be taken as being a busybody. And when it comes to a daughter-in-law, it seems like it would come across as "taking sides" with a son to say something to her about an incident when she wasn't submissive, besides seeming "meddling." My general stance is not to say anything unless asked. But I don't know if that's right.
That's why I thought it might make for an interesting conversation both among older women as they share their responses and among younger women as they share how they'd like or dislike an older woman's help in such situations. But it's just an idea—if you don't think it is a good one. I understand perfectly.
Barbara H. @ Stray Thoughts
(Hostess of wonderful "The Week in Words" Monday Meme)
Hi Barbarah H!What a good topic—how do we as "older women" guide erring younger women/Moms gracefully?
Honestly, I don't have a much experience to draw from, mostly because my ministry to younger ladies is in the form of the written word, through blogging. And eventually I hope to expand that to include e-books and Bible studies. I think of my instruction as a "pro-active" teaching ministry—rather than "remedial" or counseling.
My primary goal is to nip potential problems in the bud, hopefully to avert much bigger problems down the road.
But of course, bigger problems do occur. I've discovered that blogging (and Marriage Monday) are very serious ministry, and it can be a heavy responsibility.
For example, about twice/month a deeply hurting woman contacts me asking for comfort and counsel by email. After offering my best answer, I always encourage her to meet with her local pastor or a professional therapist to seek face-to-face advice. You're SO right, the best mentoring/counseling is done by someone "with skin on" and who can offer longer term follow-up.
Like you, I tread very carefully when I run into real life situations that require a loving "rebuke." It seems there is always underlying unresolved anger, which is causing the person to "act out." The adage "hurting people hurt others" seems true in most cases, and sympathy toward the erring sister can go a long way to winning their trust. Once they trust me, then I feel more free to speak up, especially when they haven't asked for my advice. Then my thoughts are usually well-received. But that takes time, and lots of it.
By the way, I've discovered it's nearly impossible to correct erring Christian Boomer peers on the subject of submission. The Lord knows that "older to the younger" works best. I've found out that there's good reason for that particular biblical mandate! I'm learning to keep my mouth closed with my girlfriends, and let the Lord bring someone older into their lives. Perhaps you've experienced the same kind of resistance from your peers too!
I guess the short answer to your question would be to build a relationship of trust with any younger woman (especially a daughter-in-law) who needs correction. Then I'm sure she'll receive whatever counsel you might have to offer as positive words of concern, rather than as criticism.
God bless you for your interest in younger Moms. I've noticed that you're truly a mature Titus 2 Christian woman, and I encourage you to move forward in your calling as a mentor—especially in-real-life!
Warm hugs,
e-Mom ღ (Complete Bio)
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. (Titus 2:3-5 NIV)
Related: Marriage Monday: How to Deal with Difficult In-Laws
Photos: pixieclipx (1 & 4) djking (2) & Susan NYC (3)(Flickr)
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How do you as an "older woman" guide erring younger women gracefully?
9 Comments:
I have been mentoring women for the past 8 years. I have found the younger that they are, the more teachable they are. I just use God's Word as my guide and continually steer them back to that when they have questions or doubts. I also use my many experiences of blowing it and how doing it the right way is so much better!
Excellent advice here, e-Mom. The older I get, the more I need to take this mandate seriously, in whatever forms it comes up (on-line, real-life with family, friends,...).
I like Lori's thought of sharing from our own experiences, a coming alongside rather than seeming to "pounce" on something someone else did wrong.
Since our e-mail exchange, I've thought, too, that especially in the case of submission, sometimes it is better to let the husband and wife work things out for themselves. In the one incident I mentioned of a wife directly opposing her husband in front of us, a little later they went out to their car to get something and were gone quite a while, so I think they talked things out then. :-)
I spent a summer mentoring teen girls when I was in college, and I had the experience of being mentored while I was an RA at a Christian college. To me what's often missing in mentoring is a mutuality. I didn't want one-sided relationships. I wanted to pray for the girls, and I wanted them to know that I craved their prayers as well. I echo Lori - sharing your own life helps mentoring. And I think it makes it more natural.
You are a very wise woman my friend.
I'm thankful for this discussion. It's a touchy one. In my limited experience it seems that when an older woman teaches on this and gives personal illustration of how she learned and is still learning it, it is well received and you can see the Lord working on the women present. I'm not very good at face-to-face confrontation. I've been working on this. Often,when I pray about it, the Lord opens the door wide for me to walk through. If I barge through on my own timetable, it falls flat.
I'm soon to be a mother-in-law. One of my friend's who has been a mother-in-law of daughters-in-law for several years often says, "Wear beige and say little." Most daughters-in-law don't want that kind of talk from their husband's mom. Having said that, my mother-in-law and I have a great relationship and when we are having a real heart-to-heart, I appreciate her gentle rebukes. It's a two-way street and one to tread lightly on.
Lori, Lisa, BarbaraH, Denise, Denise, & Senkyoushi: Thank you all for your wonderful, thoughtful comments. You have all offered such good advice!
Personal email replies are on the way to you now, if you left your address with your comment.
Hugs, e-Mom ღ
Years ago, I read an article in a Christian magazine about a "Mentoring Moms" program - where older women connected with younger women (and vice versa) - at a conference I sat next to an older women and told her about it; she said, "We so need to be needed." And she started that program at our church. I so needed to create healthy, appropriate expectations of what a Christian marriage looked like at 60, 70, - Did you still fight? etc. - and I met the most amazing women who became spiritual moms. There are younger women looking for spiritual moms to pray for them, to answer questions honestly when asked - and to be encouraged. None of these women ever offered unsolicited advise but they offered relationship - which blessed and enriched not only my life, but my sons' lives as well!
Bluecottonmemory: I love this:
None of these women ever offered unsolicited advise but they offered relationship...
How blessed you were to know these older women, who offered the hand of friendship, without criticism or judgment.
Thanks for stopping by today!
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