How to Deal With Difficult In-Laws

Welcome to Marriage Monday!

How Marriage Works:
21 Secrets Every Couple Needs to Know

Secret #7: How to Deal with Difficult In-Laws

Q. Every day my mother-in-law called to try to talk my husband into divorcing me ... We had to change phone numbers twice in our marriage just so she won't reach us. It's hard for us to be "incommunicado" to his family because we love them, but what is left for us to do?

My husband came from a pure Chinese background, his dad died when he was five years old and so he was practically raised by his over-protective, demanding, strict and Buddhist mother. The whole family converted to Christianity when my husband was a child but the only reason for the conversion was because it was good for business and all Chinese businessmen who converted attested that their businesses flourished thereafter.

However, my husband was another story. His conversion became genuine when he reached his early twenties and he defied all Chinese traditions and beliefs that were also against Scriptures. And then, he met me - a non-Chinese who had no business and no fat bank account. My mother-in-law was furious that even on the day of our wedding, she made a little scene that confirmed to everyone in attendance that I am not welcome to my husband's family.

A year and four months into our marriage, she still won't stop. My husband and I are both active in the ministry and we are happy with our income, we are happy that we still don't have a child (because we think having one at this point might force us to slow down on the ministry) although we are not on birth control or anything, we are happy that we rent a small apartment with three cats and a household help who recently professed her faith in Jesus Christ.

But my mother-in-law is raging mad about it all. Everyday she'd call and talk my husband into divorcing me, using my inability to get pregnant as grounds for divorce. We had to change phone numbers twice in our marriage just so she won't reach us, it's hard for us to be "incommunicado" to his family because we love them, but what is left for us to do? We also have tried many, many, many times to evangelize to her, but she remains loyal to her Buddhist faith, which really breaks my husband's heart.—Hazel

A. I'm so sorry you feel rejected by your mother-in-law. I can only begin to imagine your pain. As women, God has wired us to find our fulfillment and joy in happy, satisfying relationships—especially with family members. Our deepest pain comes when there is disharmony amongst those who are closest to us. I hurt for you.

In Genesis, God’s curse on Adam affected his work and ability to provide for his family. But God’s curse on Eve was closely tied to her relationships with her husband and children. “To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’” (Gen 3:16 NASB)

Just as you are in great pain, I suspect that your mother-in-law is feeling a lot of pain too. No doubt she feels rejected by her son, and displaced by you, her precious son’s new wife. She is probably angry and grieving that she has lost her “surrogate spouse.” As a widow, no doubt she counted on her son (your husband) to meet her needs for male companionship during the years that he was growing up.

I imagine that there is no woman on the face of this earth who would be “good enough” to marry her son. The deeper problem probably has little to do with your ethnicity, Christian faith, or lack of money. The issue is probably not whom your husband married, but that he got married at all!

By establishing strong boundaries such as changing your phone number, your mother-in-law will eventually get the message that her bullying tactics are not working. I hope you don’t take her rejection personally, but continue to offer her grace and understanding.

Perhaps in time, she will accept and embrace your marriage, and even your Christian faith. Hopefully, she will recognize that she hasn’t lost a son, but rather, she’s gained a very special and loving daughter.

How to Offer Grace in Every In-Law Conflict

To help us all remember how to respond in a Godly way, the following prompts each begin with a letter that spells the word G.R.A.C.E.

G. Grieve your injury; you have been wronged.
R. Receive the support and love of others.
A. Ask God to give you the ability to forgive and empathize with your in-laws.
C. Continue to express honor (respect) and patience as adjustments are made.
E. Establish reasonable boundaries until lasting change has occurred.

Photos: rdcmaster & CrackerandCheese (Flickr)

Related: As we enter the holiday period, family hospitality may be on your mind. If so, consider taking a minute to visit Susannah's {Kitchen}.




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