How Marriage Works:
21 Secrets Every Couple Needs to Know
Secret #4: Communication
Q. Why does conflict occur when I try to share deep feelings with my husband?
“Our communication is the worst problem in our marriage, he'll even admit that. We just don't see eye to eye on many topics and when its bad, it pours in our house, no understanding, very selfish behaviors ... hard to get past. Without going into too many details, distrust, oppression, passive-aggressive personality, insensitive, unapologetic attitudes are what hurt our marriage deeply. It sometimes feels as though, his love can be "Conditional" and oppressive toward me and our family. I am a praying passionate wife and mother and know my responsibilities and do my best with God's help to live joyfully and try to forgive and move forward, though, my spirit is crushed when we argue and fight. Its quite difficult when you love someone so much, but your emotions and feelings are deteriorating ...”—Nichole
A. Thanks for leaving such an honest, heartfelt comment. I hurt for you and the difficulties you and your husband are having with your communication.
Let me assure you that every couple struggles in this area. It's huge.
With a little inside info, you can make your communication a lot more fulfilling.
I thank the Lord that He brought some specific teaching materials into our lives during a time of great stress in our marriage. We've been married for 33 years now, and our communication is really, really good. With a little coaching and practice, the same can also happen for the two of you.
All women need to understand that while we thrive on LOVE (and talk) men thrive on RESPECT (and actions). The problems begin when we women innocently seek out our husbands to “vent.” We feel relief when we can express our negative upset feelings—about anything—and receive sympathy from a caring listener. Our girlfriends naturally know how to respond in a supportive way, and we assume our husbands will do the same.
However, our husband often takes our upset feelings personally. He’s wired for “report” talk, not feminine “rapport” talk. Therefore, he jumps to the mistaken conclusion that we’re complaining about him, that he’s blown it, and he’s the cause of our pain. His male ego is crushed and he feels completely disrespected. E-Dad used to say, “Why are you blasting me?” For a long time I was totally confused, because I wasn’t placing any blame on him at all.
Why do men do this?
Because they want SO much to be our hero.
The opposite is also true. When our husbands are bothered by something (like an issue at work) they become withdrawn and non-communicative. We wives take their husband’s “stonewalling” personally. We get our feelings hurt, mistakenly thinking our man is ignoring us on purpose. We’re convinced that he no longer loves us. In truth, men need privacy and space without talking so they can calm down, pace or work out, and figure out how to solve their problem on their own. Eventually, they do come out of their "man cave." The less we punish them for withdrawing, the faster they recover. If they don't get that essential space away from other people, they can turn really mean and angry.Why do women do this?
Because we want SO much to share and communicate.
There's a book I would like to recommend that helps explain this "crazy cycle" in greater detail—and what to do about it. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has written a profound Christian book, Love & Respect based on Eph 5:33. He explains that men and women can go round and round and round on a “crazy cycle” trying to meet their own needs first. Often a conflict escalates into a loud fight. If a husband is less verbally adept than his wife (most men are), pretty soon he is saying nothing and refusing to continue with the discussion. If he doesn’t storm out of the room first—his wife does, in disgust.
Eggerichs explains that as couples, we can get off the "crazy cycle" by remembering to give what the other person most needs; unconditional LOVE for her, unconditional RESPECT for him. The beauty of this approach is that it's reciprocal. For example, when we give our husbands the respect they desperately need during a fight, they'll start to calm down. Eventually, they’ll gush all over us with the loving understanding we genuinely need.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has an excellent website. You can many of the nuggets of his teaching there before buying his book Love & Respect. He's written several workbooks and other materials based on these biblical concepts. Eggerichs hosts various conferences as well.
I hope you will pursue some of these resources. Your marriage can be radically different with this new information and a few changes in your behavior. I will pray for your happiness and your marriage's success.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19-20 NIV)
Related
1. Now We’re Talking!
2. Talking Turkey (About Sex) When You’re Feeling Like a Chicken
3. This post is linked at Come Have Peace and Stray Thoughts.
Photos: amanky, meriales (2&3), mglasgow (Flickr)
It’s Marriage Monday. Please Join Us!
1. Topic: Communication. If you would like to link a post for Marriage Monday, take a minute to read about the giveaway and introduction to today's topic. (Oh, and did I mention there's a Giveaway this week?) What advice would you give to a young wife about to be married? Do you have any special insights that you would like to pass on to others?
2. Test Your Link. You’re welcome to add your link any time up until eleven PM (PDT) on Wednesday. Please include a text link back to Chrysalis, or you can use one of these graphic buttons instead. Remember to try your link to make sure it works correctly. And don't forget to leave me a comment!
3. If you're new at Chrysalis, welcome! Please accept my invitation to join our Marriage Monday community. You might want to read an introduction to this Blog Hop and find out how to join the Marriage Monday Blog List. Thanks for linking at Chrysalis today, sweet sister!
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20 Comments:
Dear Sister:
When I asked for feedback from the Marriage Monday contributors about their deepest conflict or frustration in marriage, several of the responses were on the topic of communication. For your further insight, here they are:
I'm sort of a newly wed still (4 years this month) and I have to say that we have a pretty solid marriage. I think the main thing is communication. We each have different ways of communicating and we have to learn the others ‘language.’—Lauren
As far as our own marriage struggles over the years, I'd have to say communication has been one of the biggest challenges. We are doing so much better these days but it has not always been so. It took a lot of learning along the way, with help from seminars like “Love and Respect” and others to help us understand why each of us sometimes weren't always communicating effectively.—Tammy
After twenty-six years, we think alike in many ways. But, he is a man, and men approach problems differently. My DH doesn't understand the need to vent or that he doesn't have to solve issues for me. So I do most of my venting with my BFF. I keep him in the loop, but I don't examine every aspect of it with him as it drives him nuts….
I've learned that sometimes when we are not communicating well, taking a break and talking about it after a long walk is better.—Jan Parrish
The problems in communication in my marriage stem from my reticence to reveal too much. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and I feel hurt. Our marriage improved drastically when I started telling him exactly what was going on in my head no matter how embarrassing it might be.
Thank you for embracing a vital and often misunderstood topic with grace and love. Thank you for sharing the resources and advice which can enable us to communicate better with our husbands. This is a fantastic Marriage Monday and I'm excited to visit other blog friends as they share (after I get my cobwebs!! See my post!!) Blessings to you!
Hi e-Mom
I loved this post and this topic is one that is really close to my heart. Communication was the key to revitalizing my marriage and our relationship. Sorry its so long-winded.. I've got to learn to make things more concise!
I LOVE Dr Eggerich and his wife. I subscribe to his blog. It was through him and Gar Chapman as well as Dr Scott Haltzman that I began to learn the tools to turn things around. Still learning... its a constant work in progress!
Have a great week!
Before I read your post, I had posted mine first and I saw something in common in our posts - about LOVE and RESPECT. These two elements in marriage I and hubby always need to be reminded of in our 15 years of marriage. They bind us together and they have made us survive past marital crises. Without these, we would not reach this far as he is from Mars and I'm from Venus, we differ in a lot of aspects, even manifested in the way we communicate. Like Tammy, communication has been one of our greatest challenges but thanks God He has given us the chance to keep growing.
Thanks, e-Mom, for this wonderful and timely topic. I'm able to reflect deeply on how I and hubby have progressed so far (and still need to improve) in terms of communicating effectively and I'm happy to share my own thoughts on this topic.
I'm very glad Marriage Monday is back. God bless you more.
Yeah... for me learning to respect my husbands feelings enough to be honest about mine and not try to play it tough helped a lot. By trying to protect my vulnerable heart all the time I was hurting him. Fact is he is my hero in that he is more then able to handle my guarded heart opened up to him.
I almost chickened out on a post today...but I'm glad I didn't after all. Thanks for hosting this encouragement for me.
I didn't think I'd have anything to say on this topic except, "Yes, do it!" :-) But several thoughts came to mind.
I think respect is probably the most important factor, and taking the time to understand where the other person is coming from helps immensely.
Via Facebook, Julie said...
Such practical thoughts on communication in marriage today. I linked up, but I'm having trouble leaving a comment ... I think this was YOU last week ;) I loved the reminder about our husband's desiring to be our hero. That's an insight every wife needs to know. I'll try again to comment on the page ...
I "love" the book "Love and Respect!" It truly speaks to a communication trap that we all can get into, since men and women have such different emotional needs. I'm so glad you've brought to light this communication problem and have also provided the challenge for all of us to write on such an important topic. I needed this reminder about respect today!
Hi e-Mom,
Excellent post as always. Communication is at the heart of so much conflict. Thank you for addressing it in your wisdom and with your heart. Love you.
Great book. Love and Respect.
Hugs.
Excellent post, emom! thank you for sharing of all of this info! From what other women (in my small group) have told me, communication is definitely at the top of the list for marital strife (after finances). I'm glad to learn of this book you recommend and I think I'll look for that!
Oh, and btw....it's ok that you left a long comment! i often do :) glad you liked my little "nite at the T home"! lol.....and guess what?? last nite we weren't on our laptops and we took a walk and TALKED!!!!! lol...
Thanks for visiting my blog! I love Dr. Eggerich's book Love and Respect. I tried to share my thoughts from the heart. I really enjoy sharing for Marriage Monday. Thanks for hosting!
I like Love & Respect. I think that is a great recommendation. Love & War is a great book for marriages by the Eldredges. We read it last summer and it really brought both of us lots of healing. Loved your post!
This book is excellent and I recommend it to everyone! Any time I am asked for advice for engaged couples, I always talk about RESPECT! It seems like such a small thing but everyone craves being appreciated-appreciated for their thoughts, opinions and actions! Once we begin to devalue our spouse, they begin to shut down and a downward spiral begins! When I am valued I am eager to give more of what my spouse needs and wants!!
Connie
Reading your post made me wonder where you were hiding in our house during the first 10-15 years of our marriage!!!
When we'd been married about a decade, I read in a Christian marriage book that if a woman is unhappy in her marriage after five years, it's most likely the man's fault. I showed him that page...and the book flew!
We stumbled upon Love & Respect about ten years ago and heartily second your recommendation. It was the first marriage book (and I had bought hundreds!) that Daniel felt played fair with scripture and didn't denigrate men. Watching the DVD together was a very healing process for us.
P.S. I mean to include in my original comment that for some of us "venters" an organized support group can be a blessed -- in my case vital! -- tool for keeping a healthy marriage.
I am "more emotional" than most people, even most women. I attend a weekly support group where I can safely and confidentially share what's going on in my mind and heart with other women who "get" me.
It's led by a counselor who supports, challenges, and instructs. I no longer demand that Daniel validate or "be there for" me w/ issues that are beyond the realm of a friend or family member. (In my case, it's an Eating Disorder group, but there are many other groups -- general and specific -- paid and free that are available to those of us who are "high maintenance"!)
Defining the difference between report talk and rapport talk is so helpful. Once we understand this enough to explain it to our men, it helps us both!
The book "Love and Respect" REALLY helped me understand my husband (and men in general) so much better. Thanks for sharing this good info.
Hey lady - I love your words of wisdom so I have directed others here to read these great thoughts. You lead so well xx
I have tried to link up twice now - the first time nothing happened - the second time it told me I was already linked up - so I assumed you had to approve the link. I'll try again in the morning but thank you for the encouragement to do so x
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