How Marriage Works:
21 Secrets Every Couple Needs to Know
Secret #3: Leadership
Q. How can I put the hero back in my husband?
"My husband lost his job a month ago. He spends all of his time cruising the net, watching the news, and shooting hoops. I'm afraid he's never going shake off his bad mood and look for employment. What can I do?"
A. When her relationships fail, every woman interprets the data this way—at least initially— “I’m unlovable.” The end of an important relationship brings the worst kind of pain to women. It strikes at her heart in a way that men cannot understand, and will never know. God has wired women to receive love and emotional support, and when the love they need is lost or withheld, they suffer terribly.
Men have a different vulnerability. When a man is unsuccessful, he interprets the data this way—at least initially—“I’m a loser.” When he loses his job, his marriage fails, or his ministry goes nowhere, it brings him the worst kind of pain. It strikes at his heart in a way that women cannot understand, and will never know. God has wired men to lead and achieve, and when they are unable to succeed in serving others they suffer terribly.
Just as women fear the loss of love, men fear failure. Where women need to receive love, men need to give it. Every man needs to be needed. When a man has been knocked down in life a few times, sometimes he feels like giving up. It’s his fear of looking like a fool and failing again that causes him to hang back and stop taking risks on behalf of others. That’s why we see so many women "wearing the pants," while their men cower quietly in the shadows.
Five Phrases that Will Motivate Your Husband to Lead
So what’s a wife to do? When Mr. Right has wimped out and is stuck on the sofa with the TV remote in hand, there are several things we can say to support our husbands and get them back on the front lines of life again. I’ve learned to resist the temptation to take over, ask e-Dad to talk about his feelings, and trying to “mother” him. Here are five phrases I’ve memorized to encourage him on those down, depressing days:
1. Do say: “You can handle it!” Don’t say: “Oh you poor thing.”
2. Do say: “It’s no big deal.” Don’t say: “Oh no, what are we going to do?”
3. Do say: “What can I do to help?” Don’t say: “You should do so-and-so…”
4. Do ask him directly: “Would you help me with …?” or “I need your advice/opinion.” Don’t wait for him to notice your need and offer his support.
5. This last statement is e-Dad’s favorite. Most men love some variation of the macho phrase: “Buck up, and keep on moving.”
These phrases certainly do not come naturally to me; they’ve been learned over time. You’ll notice that if I said anything that even remotely resembles these statements to my girlfriends or daughter, they would disown me forever! However, I also use them to great effect with my brother, son and father. Men are a pushover when you understand their unique needs and speak their language.
"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Eph 5:33 NIV)
Related: Finding the Hero in Your Husband by Julianna Slattery
Photos: (1), (2), & (4) rrb3m; (3) JeffKubina (Flickr)
What key phrases have you found to be successful in promoting your husband's leadership?
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1. Today’s Topic: Leadership. If you would like to link a post for Marriage Monday, take a minute to read the introduction to our topic. What advice would you give to a young wife about to be married? Do you have any special insights that you would like to pass on to others?
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14 Comments:
I love your five phrases. Here's a good one for you: One of my husband's favorite sayings at home is "Buck up. Be a Boesiger." Did you nail those phrases or what?
You've explained the differences in men and women well here. Thank you.
I think I'll send these five phrases to my engaged daughter. So good! And you're right that if we said those to our women friends, they would NOT like it. ha. But to our husbands? They would love it. Great post!
Love this topic! Great phrases, and the pictures are awesome. They make me want to go thank my "warrior". :)
Those are great phrases e-Mom! A great reminder that we're not supposed to wear the pants too. Too often I find myself wanting to take over when my husband 'drags his feet' with something. He's a procrastinator by nature and I just want to see things get done! I love the pictures too.. funny, when I wrote my post that was what I was seeing.. the medieval warrior with his lance jousting for his lady love.
Love & Blessings
Oui, the scripting. It was brought to my attention that I "script" for my husband in stressful situations. If he did that to me I'd kill him...hehehe...SO, I stopped abruptly. He was shocked...in a good way!
as someone who comes from somewhat of a counseling background, I don't really like the phrase, "it's no big deal" mainly because whatever he is dealing with just MIGHT be a "big deal" to him...we never really know what is in someone's heart/mind/soul that they are struggling with or might be making them "not lead". hm....I love all the other phrases and have used some my self... i do know that what has helped us in the past is if i use "I" messages rather than the 'you need to" msgs!
great post!!
Such an important post not just to read, but apply. Thanks, e-Mom!
As a counselor as well, I agree with Faith about the "no big deal." But I like the other phrases, and the heart that is behind them. We need to be encouragers of our husbands and find ways to build them up especially when the going gets tough. Great post!
It's a great post! I really enjoy reading your articles every month. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us.
"4. Do ask him directly: “Would you help me with …?” or “I need your advice/opinion.”"
I needed to read this today! I see my husband so busy helping everyone else, I tend to avoid adding my burdens to his list.
But then he ends up feeling as though everyone needs him and counts on him, except for the one person he really WANTS needing and counting on him!
I have learned to make sure I am very open-minded about the "how" and the "when" if I ask for help, otherwise I'm setting him up for failure from the get-go.
Sweet Marriage Monday sisters: There are some really, really, really good posts linked up on this week's topic of Leadership. (Did I mention really?!?)
Thanks for sharing today, and for being such a phenomenal group of encouragers. Love you THIS much!!!
(If you haven't had a chance to visit around, don't miss out. This week's batch of posts is particularly good. Read and be blessed!)
Hugs, e-Mom ღ
I will learn to say your very positive phrases. Thank you, e-Mom.
Very good topic. I had to think deep:)
Great, great post...grandmother to be!
So hard when they have been knocked down over and over again, and so important to make them feel they are still your Knight in Shining Armor.
NiceA and Janette: Thanks for stopping by!
I just thought of three more phrases that my father (mistakenly) uses with me, but are very appropriate for males:
"Take it on the chin."
"Rise above it."
"Don't let the x*x*'s get you down."
BTW, I would NEVER say these things to a woman. Any words that convey a message of sympathy and/or empathy are appropriate to encourage the tender heart of a hurting woman.
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