How to Say it Nicely and Keep the Peace
1. Do you have a minute?
This is a good line to use when you want to interrupt someone with a quick question. People usually want to give you their full attention, but often need a few seconds to shift gears.
2. Is this a good time for you?
This is another good line to use to interrupt someone, especially if you have a more lengthy conversation in mind. Whenever my daughter calls on the phone, she always prefaces her remarks with this question. Smart girl! Frequently, I use this line with my husband. I’ve discovered it’s not a good idea to barge ahead with my thoughts especially when he has clearly said, “No.”
3. Can I get back to you on that?
This is a great line to use when someone has asked a question that puts you on the spot. It’s a good one to use at work, especially when you’re supposed to be the expert. However, I’ve discovered that it’s better to humbly answer “I don’t know” than fumble around with a vague answer. People respect your honesty.
4. Thanks for your feedback. I’ll think about it.
This line can be used when someone has been critical, or has given you some unsolicited advice. Rather than being defensive and immediately dismiss them, it’s a good idea to privately consider their point-of-view. Our perception of a situation is often limited.
5. I’ve discovered that …
This is a great line to use when you want to give some direct advice or voice an opinion on a sensitive area of someone’s life. It disarms the listener by taking their attention off themselves. It also lets them see into your own areas of vulnerability.
6. Oh, you poor thing!
Women love sympathy and even better—empathy. We need to know we’re not alone in our struggles. Even if nothing can be done to solve a bad situation, just knowing another beating heart is concerned does wonders to lighten our load. I try to remember to use this line early and often, long before offering my “sage” advice.
7. You must be having a bad day. Is there something I can do to help?
When someone is really behaving badly, this is a good line to help them gain control. When people are upset, sometimes they don’t know how ugly they look until someone nicely points it out.
8. I’m so sorry for your loss. So-and-so will be missed.
We’re all tongue-tied when it comes to expressing the sympathy of loss. These two lines are usually all that’s needed. They can also be combined with a specific fond memory of the person who has passed away.
9. What I heard you say is …
Repeating back the general gist of a conversation is really helpful to the speaker, especially when their emotions are running high. Women need and want to be understood and “heard.” Active listening is a gift you can give any girlfriend, and you’re guaranteed to deposit mega-points into her emotional love tank.
10. I don’t quite understand. Would you mind rephrasing that?
My husband sometimes assumes that my level attention to a news item is similar to his. If he’s in a hurry, he tries to be brief with his opinions, expecting me to fill in the blanks. Asking for clarification is much better than letting an argument develop over my misunderstanding of his statements.
11. I am sorry you are hurting. Can you forgive me?
When a friend feels hurt by something they think we have said or done, they need two things; acknowledgement of their injured feelings, and help to let it go. With these two statements we are not necessarily accepting the blame, but they do help our friend move past her anger.
12. Whoops, I really blew it.
When we know we really are at fault, it’s best to be humble and honest. Even if we aren’t the only “bad guy” in a situation, this statement is so rare and surprising, that it tends to re-open conversation with the person we’ve offended.
13. Let’s agree to disagree.
When you’re at a total impasse with someone—a friend, spouse, or co-worker—this statement acknowledges there’s a conflict, but ends the conversation on a more congenial note.
Works for me!
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This is a good line to use when you want to interrupt someone with a quick question. People usually want to give you their full attention, but often need a few seconds to shift gears.
2. Is this a good time for you?
This is another good line to use to interrupt someone, especially if you have a more lengthy conversation in mind. Whenever my daughter calls on the phone, she always prefaces her remarks with this question. Smart girl! Frequently, I use this line with my husband. I’ve discovered it’s not a good idea to barge ahead with my thoughts especially when he has clearly said, “No.”
3. Can I get back to you on that?
This is a great line to use when someone has asked a question that puts you on the spot. It’s a good one to use at work, especially when you’re supposed to be the expert. However, I’ve discovered that it’s better to humbly answer “I don’t know” than fumble around with a vague answer. People respect your honesty.
4. Thanks for your feedback. I’ll think about it.
This line can be used when someone has been critical, or has given you some unsolicited advice. Rather than being defensive and immediately dismiss them, it’s a good idea to privately consider their point-of-view. Our perception of a situation is often limited.
5. I’ve discovered that …
This is a great line to use when you want to give some direct advice or voice an opinion on a sensitive area of someone’s life. It disarms the listener by taking their attention off themselves. It also lets them see into your own areas of vulnerability.
6. Oh, you poor thing!
Women love sympathy and even better—empathy. We need to know we’re not alone in our struggles. Even if nothing can be done to solve a bad situation, just knowing another beating heart is concerned does wonders to lighten our load. I try to remember to use this line early and often, long before offering my “sage” advice.
7. You must be having a bad day. Is there something I can do to help?
When someone is really behaving badly, this is a good line to help them gain control. When people are upset, sometimes they don’t know how ugly they look until someone nicely points it out.
8. I’m so sorry for your loss. So-and-so will be missed.
We’re all tongue-tied when it comes to expressing the sympathy of loss. These two lines are usually all that’s needed. They can also be combined with a specific fond memory of the person who has passed away.
9. What I heard you say is …
Repeating back the general gist of a conversation is really helpful to the speaker, especially when their emotions are running high. Women need and want to be understood and “heard.” Active listening is a gift you can give any girlfriend, and you’re guaranteed to deposit mega-points into her emotional love tank.
10. I don’t quite understand. Would you mind rephrasing that?
My husband sometimes assumes that my level attention to a news item is similar to his. If he’s in a hurry, he tries to be brief with his opinions, expecting me to fill in the blanks. Asking for clarification is much better than letting an argument develop over my misunderstanding of his statements.
11. I am sorry you are hurting. Can you forgive me?
When a friend feels hurt by something they think we have said or done, they need two things; acknowledgement of their injured feelings, and help to let it go. With these two statements we are not necessarily accepting the blame, but they do help our friend move past her anger.
12. Whoops, I really blew it.
When we know we really are at fault, it’s best to be humble and honest. Even if we aren’t the only “bad guy” in a situation, this statement is so rare and surprising, that it tends to re-open conversation with the person we’ve offended.
13. Let’s agree to disagree.
When you’re at a total impasse with someone—a friend, spouse, or co-worker—this statement acknowledges there’s a conflict, but ends the conversation on a more congenial note.
Works for me!
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Prov 15:1 NIV)
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Photos: MikeBaird & Squacco (Flickr)
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What are your favorite phrases for diffusing tension?
14 Comments:
let the answering machine get it
:)
I have a friend who must know this list by heart because she is so gifted at these...I'm learning.
:-) Jen @ www.diaryof1.com
Great post!
Thanks for the wording to use when the situation calls for diplomacy or just plain good old manners.
Sometimes boundaries are an issue for me, so I really like your phrase, "Can I get back to you on that?"
"Thank you for sharing that"
even if you do not agree it was probably either shared with good intention.....or if with malice then gentle coals of fire in the form of thanks is better than taking it further........in my 'umble opinion.
Oh what a great post! It's important to remember that our female friends are important. We need to invest in those friendships. Let's not take them lightly!
I've gotten a lot of 5 and 6 from you...although generally reversed order. You empathize and then give me straight up good advice. Thanks...
I almost always use 1 and 2 when I call someone ever since one day rattling happily on only to discover my friend was waiting to get a word in to tell me they were on their way out the door. (Blush!) I use it when I call my husband at work, too.
#5 is a gem as well (well, all of them are) -- people get defensive when someone comes across as a know-it-all or as if their idea or solution is the only right one, but when sharing what we've discovered in our own journey we just come across as a fellow -- wife, mom, Christian, whatever, sharing what we've learned, and then they can do with it what they will.
nice post.
Great list, I could really use these phrases in my life! Thanks!
Thanks for the friendship tips. I love the 13th most: Agree to disagree. I'll try that one:)
Thanks for your thoughts, sweet sisters. Loved all your reflections. May you be blessed in all your relationships.
(((hugs))) e-Mom ღ
All very helpful. I try to ask if I'm calling at a good time..it's kind of embarrassing to rattle out a bunch of "talk" only to be told they can't talk. :) It shows you think their time is valuable.
Grace: Yes, you mention an excellent policy to follow on the phone. ღ
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