Interview with Marriage Pro Reveals Rough Beginnings
Today is Monday, with the chance to share a special quote and to link up at Barbara’s blog for The Week in Words. I’d like to share a short excerpt from an article I printed out and saved a few years ago.
The article is a candid interview by Shine Magazine with Tim Clinton, Ed.D. and his engaging wife, Julie. Dr. Clinton is currently President of the 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the largest and most diverse Christian counseling association in the world. He is also Professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care, and Executive Director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University.
She Needs Love, He Needs Respect
Married for thirty years, with two children Megan and Zach, the Clintons are honest about the difficulties they faced during the early years of their marriage. Married very young—at 18 and 20—they nearly called it quits after their third year. With the help of their Godly parents, they held it together. Let’s pick up the conversation as Tim and Julie begin to share their differing needs in marriage.
"Shine:.. OK, Dr. Romance, how have you keep the romance alive… the sex thing aside? (All of us laughing again.) OK, maybe not…
Julie: (Answering quickly as she looks over and smiles at Tim.) I think we just focus on doing things for one another and doing the special little things we know the other person likes. It’s spending time alone together. It may just be a date every couple of weeks. It really is about friendship.
Tim: You know what I think. I think there is just a lot involved. I know Julie honors what I do, and she doesn’t have to tell me, she demonstrates it through so many different things. It’s picking up and shouldering the load when I’m not home.
I think it helps when you learn each other’s love language—the way your mate understand and receives love. There are so many ways to give and receive love. If you can connect meaningfully during the good times, then when you come to the bumpy times, you can more easily forgive…
Shine: Give us an easy exercise to do with our spouse.
Tim: Write down these three questions:
1. How does my spouse love me?
2. How do I show love to her?
3. How do I want to loved?
Have your spouse do the same thing and compare notes.
Usually, if you and your mate are not connecting, you won’t match on your answers either. So neither of you feels loved. Her heart cry is, ‘All I have ever wanted from my husband is for him to love me.’ He says, ‘I don’t know how to please my wife. It is impossible.’
That is why it is important to know this: [FEELING] LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH! Love has to be communicated in a way that your spouse understands…
Shine: It has to be what is important to them, not what is important to you, right?
Tim: That’s right. Most couples don’t take the time to learn that. The man says, ‘Hey, I am doing my duty. I am bringing home a paycheck!’ And he thinks that is enough for her to know he loves her.”
Reflection
I have shared this quote with you to show that even professional marriage counselors have a steep learning curve to climb to learn the skills of love! The most telling statements are highlighted in bold. Notice how Julie focuses on the friendship/romance aspect of marriage and doing “the little things.” On the other hand, Tim talks about how he needs Julie to show him honor, and to help him with his work.
These radically opposing needs create stress in every marriage until both spouses learn how to give love selflessly. Like Tim and Julie, most husbands will need to learn how to unconditionally love their wives, whereas most wives will need to learn how to unconditionally respect their husbands. Long married couples who have learned these skills are a wonder to behold! ( See Eph 5:21-33)
For Further Reading
In their book, The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted, Tim and Julie help distressed individuals and couples chart a course to assess and reframe their marital journey, reclaim love, and release each other from the grip of relational pain.
In Before a Bad Goodbye: How to Turn Your Marriage Around, Dr. Tim Clinton helps couples who are confused and searching for new life in their marriages as well as untangle the negative patterns of disaffection.
Other titles on psychological attachment issues by Dr. Clinton include and Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do and his latest book, The God Attachment.
Today is Monday, with the chance to share a special quote and to link up at Barbara’s blog for The Week in Words. I’d like to share a short excerpt from an article I printed out and saved a few years ago.
The article is a candid interview by Shine Magazine with Tim Clinton, Ed.D. and his engaging wife, Julie. Dr. Clinton is currently President of the 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the largest and most diverse Christian counseling association in the world. He is also Professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care, and Executive Director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University.
She Needs Love, He Needs Respect
Married for thirty years, with two children Megan and Zach, the Clintons are honest about the difficulties they faced during the early years of their marriage. Married very young—at 18 and 20—they nearly called it quits after their third year. With the help of their Godly parents, they held it together. Let’s pick up the conversation as Tim and Julie begin to share their differing needs in marriage.
"Shine:.. OK, Dr. Romance, how have you keep the romance alive… the sex thing aside? (All of us laughing again.) OK, maybe not…
Julie: (Answering quickly as she looks over and smiles at Tim.) I think we just focus on doing things for one another and doing the special little things we know the other person likes. It’s spending time alone together. It may just be a date every couple of weeks. It really is about friendship.
Tim: You know what I think. I think there is just a lot involved. I know Julie honors what I do, and she doesn’t have to tell me, she demonstrates it through so many different things. It’s picking up and shouldering the load when I’m not home.
I think it helps when you learn each other’s love language—the way your mate understand and receives love. There are so many ways to give and receive love. If you can connect meaningfully during the good times, then when you come to the bumpy times, you can more easily forgive…
Shine: Give us an easy exercise to do with our spouse.
Tim: Write down these three questions:
1. How does my spouse love me?2. How do I show love to her?
3. How do I want to loved?
Have your spouse do the same thing and compare notes.
Usually, if you and your mate are not connecting, you won’t match on your answers either. So neither of you feels loved. Her heart cry is, ‘All I have ever wanted from my husband is for him to love me.’ He says, ‘I don’t know how to please my wife. It is impossible.’
That is why it is important to know this: [FEELING] LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH! Love has to be communicated in a way that your spouse understands…
Shine: It has to be what is important to them, not what is important to you, right?
Tim: That’s right. Most couples don’t take the time to learn that. The man says, ‘Hey, I am doing my duty. I am bringing home a paycheck!’ And he thinks that is enough for her to know he loves her.”
Reflection
I have shared this quote with you to show that even professional marriage counselors have a steep learning curve to climb to learn the skills of love! The most telling statements are highlighted in bold. Notice how Julie focuses on the friendship/romance aspect of marriage and doing “the little things.” On the other hand, Tim talks about how he needs Julie to show him honor, and to help him with his work.
These radically opposing needs create stress in every marriage until both spouses learn how to give love selflessly. Like Tim and Julie, most husbands will need to learn how to unconditionally love their wives, whereas most wives will need to learn how to unconditionally respect their husbands. Long married couples who have learned these skills are a wonder to behold! ( See Eph 5:21-33)
For Further Reading
In their book, The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted, Tim and Julie help distressed individuals and couples chart a course to assess and reframe their marital journey, reclaim love, and release each other from the grip of relational pain.In Before a Bad Goodbye: How to Turn Your Marriage Around, Dr. Tim Clinton helps couples who are confused and searching for new life in their marriages as well as untangle the negative patterns of disaffection.
Other titles on psychological attachment issues by Dr. Clinton include and Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do and his latest book, The God Attachment.
I have purchased Attachments for my personal library, and I highly recommend Dr. Clinton and his books.
Top Photo: TimClinton.com (Flickr)
Up Next—Bible Names & Why They Matter
Where are you and your spouse on the journey toward expressing love and respect?
Top Photo: TimClinton.com (Flickr)
Up Next—Bible Names & Why They Matter
Where are you and your spouse on the journey toward expressing love and respect? 
4 Comments:
Sounds like an interesting book. I like what you highlighted that each of them brought out.
This does sound like a good book filled with good advice. And don't we all need to learn better how to love? I know I do. Thanks for sharing.
It's so critical to show love the way your spouse will receive it. Great book.
BarbaraH, Lisa, & Jan: Thanks so much for stopping by!
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