Solving the Mystery of Pink & Blue
The world is full of wise sayings, witty truisms, and sardonic jokes about the different ways men and women engage with life. Some days we laugh, other days we’re indifferent, and on some occasions we’re downright irate over our husband's perplexing male behavior.
Here's the thing. Deep in every man’s heart is the driving motivation for respect. He may nod sweetly, cross his legs in public, and engage in polite conversation. But he’s like the little boy who reluctantly slid back down into the church pew after he tried to stand up. He’s thinking to himself, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside!” Men will be men, no matter how hard we try to turn them into carbon copies of ourselves.
He Wears Blue-Tinted Sunglasses
Every action in a man’s life is an attempt to answer the question, “I am I good enough? Do I have what it takes to be successful?” Men are designed to compete and risk all to win—the girl, the big salary, the recognition for a job well done. “Thank” and “You” are the two words they cannot live without. They thrive on appreciation and meeting needs. Compare a man’s need for deep emotional intimacy with a woman’s is like comparing a thimble with a bucket.
Her Sunglasses are Tinted Pink
As women, we of course, are different. “I love you” is that all-powerful phrase we can’t live without—at least for very long. We find our feminine identities in chatty relationships of cooperation, security, and caring. Sure we’re competitive, smart, and we enjoy a challenge. But the bedrock foundation of love must be firmly in place before we're comfortable enough to venture into the world of risk and achievement. Deep in our heart we ask ouselves, “Am I lovable? Am I lovely? Am I worthy of care?”
Join Us for “The Week in Words”
The world is full of wise sayings, witty truisms, and sardonic jokes about the different ways men and women engage with life. Some days we laugh, other days we’re indifferent, and on some occasions we’re downright irate over our husband's perplexing male behavior.
Here's the thing. Deep in every man’s heart is the driving motivation for respect. He may nod sweetly, cross his legs in public, and engage in polite conversation. But he’s like the little boy who reluctantly slid back down into the church pew after he tried to stand up. He’s thinking to himself, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside!” Men will be men, no matter how hard we try to turn them into carbon copies of ourselves.
He Wears Blue-Tinted Sunglasses
Every action in a man’s life is an attempt to answer the question, “I am I good enough? Do I have what it takes to be successful?” Men are designed to compete and risk all to win—the girl, the big salary, the recognition for a job well done. “Thank” and “You” are the two words they cannot live without. They thrive on appreciation and meeting needs. Compare a man’s need for deep emotional intimacy with a woman’s is like comparing a thimble with a bucket.
Her Sunglasses are Tinted Pink
As women, we of course, are different. “I love you” is that all-powerful phrase we can’t live without—at least for very long. We find our feminine identities in chatty relationships of cooperation, security, and caring. Sure we’re competitive, smart, and we enjoy a challenge. But the bedrock foundation of love must be firmly in place before we're comfortable enough to venture into the world of risk and achievement. Deep in our heart we ask ouselves, “Am I lovable? Am I lovely? Am I worthy of care?”
Join Us for “The Week in Words”
You may be familiar with the brilliant work of Emerson Eggerichs PhD. I’ve quoted him on this blog quite a few times, because I find his thoughts on gender differences quite profound. Eggerichs teaches Love & Respect conferences, and he has written several best-selling books based on his insights into Eph 5:33.
Barbara H. at Stray Thoughts began a meme, The Week in Words not long ago. Every Monday, she invites bloggers to post their favorite quotes for the week and link up. I’d like to share two quotes I found about deciphering "pink and blue" at Dr. Eggerichs’ weblog, Love & Respect Reflects.
Marriage Counsel from Dr. Eggerichs
1. “One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other, as shown below:
Involvement_______________________________Independence
In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the 'Involvement' side while he leans more toward the 'Independence' side. When you [men] get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her. When she doesn’t give you the space you need, you begin to feel that she’s trying to get too involved and doesn’t respect you.
1. “One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other, as shown below:
Involvement_______________________________Independence
In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the 'Involvement' side while he leans more toward the 'Independence' side. When you [men] get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her. When she doesn’t give you the space you need, you begin to feel that she’s trying to get too involved and doesn’t respect you. The line illustrates the tension that exists between your basic needs for involvement and independence. Tension is not bad; it is simply there. In fact, it is a necessary part of your relationship. A degree of tension in a marriage is actually one of the things that makes the relationship good.”—Love & Respect Reflects
2. “With your man, try spending time just ‘being together’ without an agenda to talk or interact. Yes, I know that appears to be a waste of time. If you can’t talk face to face, sitting shoulder to shoulder watching a football game seems silly. However, that's thinking about your relationship with your pink brain. There's nothing wrong with your pink brain. God made you this way and it is good in his sight. God also made your husband to think about things with his blue brain!
If you want your husband to experience a sense of bonding with you, you have to give him shoulder to shoulder time. For some reason, when you do this authentically, your husband opens up various compartments to you. That does not mean spend 15 minutes with him and then turn to him and say “Talk to me.” This is not some formula to get him to meet your emotional needs. This is a way of respecting who he is as an end in itself, but a byproduct is that when he feels more confident about your friendship—that you like him—he typically shares more of what's going on inside of him.”—Love & Respect Reflects
It's Marriage. It Must be Monday!
- Remember, next week is our monthly meme, "Marriage Monday" right here at Chrysalis. General Group Topic: Romantic Food Faves.
- You also can link your marriage posts in Julie's meme "Marriage Mondays" every week at Come, Have a Peace.
- Visit Jill Savage’s personal blog every week for "Marriage Monday" and her common sense marriage tips. (Author and founder of Hearts at Home.)
Up Next—Family Life: Bringing Up Girls & Girls Gone Wise.
Can you give me a recent example of how "thinking blue" helped your marriage? 
9 Comments:
All I can think of in this early morning about "thinking blue" that helped my marriage is keeping my mouth shut. I have a tendency to open it and stuff just spills out, but I am learning restraint. Don't know if that counts or not.
Question: I see what your next topic will be. Just the other day God laid it on my heart that there is much for young girls out there but not for boys (in the way of quality bible studies and devotions). What if anything have you seen?
I love the books Wild at Heart and Captivating because they explore this issue too. After reading Wild at Heart, I finally got the idea that he needs space to do man things.
Although I don't get the appeal of shooting at targets with bows and arrows, I do get the happy smile on his face and the relaxed attitude afterwards. I love him that way, and I'm glad to help him.
And although I don't care about what kind of bow he's shooting or what kind he wants next, I'm learning to listen shoulder-to-shoulder. Learning being the key word. :)
Yes enjoy his stuff..and this part of shoulder to shoulder time was the part that made me think even of my relationship with my boys....all five of them.
That is what I did with my husband yesterday...no talking, just being...even though he had been out of town for four days and my own conversation had been with a four year old for days :)
Good post...always need the reminders
I love that picture you found - what a great visual of the pink and blue view. ;) And "shoulder to shoulder" time is a great description. I know that if we always have to dive in to a deep talk when we talk, it makes my husband "brace" for time together ... not what I hope for.
So glad you shared this today on Marriage Mondays and glad to find Jill Savage's MM through you, too!
Blessings,
Julie@comehaveapeace
Kim: I sent you some ideas via email. Perhaps the best place to look for resources for boys is ChristianBook.com
GlowingGirl: It's interesting that eye-to-eye for women means intimacy, whereas eye-to-eye is "combat mode" for men. Shoulder-to-shoulder is their preferred stance, like Roman soldiers marching into war.
I agree, learning to decipher male preferences--and to practice them--takes time and effort, but it's SO worth it!
Janette: Bravo! You really made a sacrifice to be shoulder-to-shoulder after your husband arrived home, with no talking. I commend you, Janette! (So glad he's home now.)
Julie: Oh my yes... this is not what we want: I know that if we always have to dive in to a deep talk when we talk, it makes my husband "brace" for time together ... not what I hope for. Thanks for visiting today!
I still haven't read that book -- need to do that some time. I like the "shoulder to shoulder" concept.
Barabara H.: Yes, men love that shoulder-to-shoulder time!
This article has come at just the right time for me!
I get frustrated with my own "needs", as expressed in this post, and don't understand why dh is so different. I had underestimated the gender differences.
As mentioned by another commentor, I was reminded of Captivating, which I read recently.
Also, in Fascinating Womanhood it is recommended you keep the appreciation for your other half flowing.
Thanks for putting all the pieces together for me!
Buffy: Amen! I'm so happy this post helped you. It took a long time for the puzzle pieces of gender to fall into place for me, but when they did, I had an Aha! experience. It all made sense, and I've been reaping the benefits of that knowledge in my marriage ever since. I do hope you will too. Blessings to you my friend! ღ
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