HOT Communication Tools

Fresh Ideas For Christian Wives

Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little
Cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more...

Remember this fun, but telling song from "Music Man?" As women, we're blessed with the gift of gab. But really, does it always achieve the results we're after?

Here is an excert from a helpful article "Five Communication Tools That Saved My Marriage" by Rob Flood. Published in FamilyLife's online magazine, The Family Room, the author covers these five concepts: The Principle of First Response, The Principle of Physical Touch, The Principle of Proper Timing, The Principle of Mirroring, and The Principle of Prayer. This thoughtful piece is well-worth your time:

We were blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon. Then came day five—we had our first argument. That put us on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage.

One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, "What's for dinner?" She would hear, "I can't believe you haven't prepared dinner again tonight?" She would say, "What time are you coming home?" I would hear, "You better get here and help me because you're never here."

We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words... Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt and hurting that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well... Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart.

1. The Principle of First Response
The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

You may feel it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26).

The implications of following Jesus' example were huge. My wife's sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Gina free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it.

2. The Principle of Physical Touch
It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching them.

This is a difficult principle to apply after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.

You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it's a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it's your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations.

During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Gina's legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.

It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching them.

As we talked, we would inevitably notice something. When our conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching.
We found what I'm certain you'll find: It is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, we had a choice at that point: to stop fighting so we could keep on touching or to stop touching so we could keep on fighting.
This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track.

Read More Here...

Congenial conversation—what a pleasure! The right word at the right time—beautiful! (Proverbs 15:23 MSG)

Photos: R_x reneebaron & Mao (Flickr)

Care to share your effective communication tips?