A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman, through her ears.
—Woodrow Wyatt
In love relationships, it has been said that the ear is the most seductive organ.—The Art of Marriage Maintenance by Karasu
In her landmark book, You Just Don’t Understand, Deborah Tannen discusses what women really want… “what we are looking for is someone to be able to hear us.”
—Secrets to Lasting Love by Gary Smalley
Getting HOT:
Why Wives Need Loving Conversation First
Written by e-Mom. Share on Twitter or FB. Subscribe in a Reader
Think back to your teens for a minute. What happened? You developed an attractive "oo la la" figure, right? And all the boys' voices dropped an octave. Tenor and bass singers suddenly sounded appealing, didn't they?
In light of the three quotes above, why do you think that might be so?
Pastor and speaker C.J. Mahaney has written a concise little volume entitled Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God. (Crossway Books, 2004.) The cover’s design is very clever—the book appears to be wrapped in a plain brown paper and tied up with raffia.
Subtitled What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know, Mahaney’s message is aimed at younger married men. (This book is the perfect “extra” to tuck inside a wedding or bridal shower gift.) Mahaney's biggest take away is this very important statement:
Why Wives Need Loving Conversation First
Written by e-Mom. Share on Twitter or FB. Subscribe in a Reader
Think back to your teens for a minute. What happened? You developed an attractive "oo la la" figure, right? And all the boys' voices dropped an octave. Tenor and bass singers suddenly sounded appealing, didn't they?
In light of the three quotes above, why do you think that might be so?
Pastor and speaker C.J. Mahaney has written a concise little volume entitled Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God. (Crossway Books, 2004.) The cover’s design is very clever—the book appears to be wrapped in a plain brown paper and tied up with raffia.
Subtitled What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know, Mahaney’s message is aimed at younger married men. (This book is the perfect “extra” to tuck inside a wedding or bridal shower gift.) Mahaney's biggest take away is this very important statement:
“Before you touch her body, touch her heart and mind.”
Mahaney wisely understands that for married women, sex is enjoyed the most when our physical arousal follows mental, emotional, and spiritual arousal. And that translates into talk. Then we can truly call our intimate moments “love-making.” We crave a physical union with our life mate that is much deeper than “scratching a sexual itch.”Many women are frustrated because their husbands tend to pursue intimate marital relations from the opposite end of the spectrum. For men, conversational closeness and emotional intimacy grow out of sexual fulfillment, not into it.
I confess early in our marriage, I tried to explain my ongoing needs for conversation and romance before sex to e-Dad using the indirect method. I remember leaving books with titles like 20 Ways to Romance Your Wife lying around, hoping he would pick them up and have an Aha! moment. Alas, none of my sneaky schemes worked very well.
One summer evening, on a scenic drive after DQ dilly bars, I took the plunge. We began our conversations about my feminine marital needs that continue to this day.
My vulnerability and trust endeared me to e-Dad (as is true for all husbands) and he made some mental notes. Suffice to say, e-Dad has learned to enjoy the female art of conversation, and well… I’ve learned how to enjoy conversing on that other level.
Related
• "Talking Turkey When You’re Feeling Like a Chicken." 10 Tension-Busting Strategies to Improve Your Conversations About Sex
• Recommended Resource: Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus
Photos: knitsteel (Flickr)
Up Next: Weekend Links for Ladies Who Lunch
What’s your experience? Does this ringtrue for you?
6 Comments:
When we speak at marriage conferences, we often say that men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love.
Men often forget that! But what you did is exactly right: talk to him. Tell him your needs. If you can let him see what's in it for him, then he'll probably start to oblige :).
But one little warning: often couples get in these tugs of war where they say, "I'm not going to meet your needs until you meet mine". Doesn't work. Sends your marriage down the toilet. It's tough, but even if he doesn't understand you, you need to love him. That's what God asks us to do. And when we do, our marriages can really be transformed!
Sheila from To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Stop on by for Wifey Wednesday!
One thing that was really hard for me was TELLING Mike what I needed. I always thought he should inherently know. How silly of me! Once I got over myself things really picked up speed!
When I was very young my mom told me women are easily swayed by words and to only let my husband do that too me... and to ask him to do that! She was wise. My guy had to be taught and reminded to do it just as he had to clearly tell me what he needed. It felt strange to be so clear with one another at first but it wasn't long before we saw the loving benefit in being clear and honest. I TOTALLY AGREE women need the words!
Sheila,"we often say that men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love." Your comment SO TRUE!
I like what Sheila has to say...her quote from marriage seminars...good one!
I did have someone respond to my post via email: she asked me "what do wives do when the husband WON'T communicate? or just doesn't get that it is important??" I told her I would check with e-mom who seems very wise....:)
I didn't really know how to answer her because lack of communication isn't something my man and I have struggled greatly with. I do know that marriage counseling helps a great deal IF the Christian couple gets help from certified or Bible based therapists/pastors/counselors. And E-mom: regarding your question about the theophostic prayer. YEs...it is amazing. However, it is not something to be taken lightly. It is extremely intense and not for some people. It needs to be done with counselors trained in the actual therapy of theophostic prayer/healing. I am not a huge advocate of it....I just know that at the time, it worked for me and I was open to it. However, the people involved need to be totally prepared spiritually for it as Satan DOES try to attack. It is quite an intense process. I wouldn't share my experience over the blog due to several factors: both of my parents are still alive and my mom checks my blog sometimes...the issue that led me to receive this kind of help is not something she can know about it....I can email you privately for more specifics... I may turn some of my journaling thru the process into a book one day....after they have joined the Lord in heaven :)
but thanks for your nice comments on my MM post. That took me a while to write!!
Sheila, Sheri, Mac an, and Faith: I appreciate your thoughtful comments. This is a BIG topic and definitely not easy. There's so much misunderstanding and misinformation. Satan wants to divide us, and he'll do it whatever way he can. Our marriages can easily come under attack.
Sheila said: "...men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love."
Absolutely. It's vital that women understand their genuine need for romantic/relational arousal and how to be direct in communicating those needs. Sadly, men are not mind-readers... or book-readers! When we're feeling romantic, it's a sure sign our deeper desire is for sex.
The converse is also true. Most women are surprised to learn that a man's desire for sex is often a sign that his deeper need is to connect with his wife emotionally.
Strange the way God set things up isn't it?
After 31 years of marriage, we've discovered that the old adage is true, "if Momma ain't happy ain't noooobody happy." Husbands are happiest when their wives are happy, because then they feel like a hero. Their goal is to be pleasing, while our goal is to be pleased. (Servant-Leader vs. Trusting & Submissive)
As wives, Biblically we should choose to say "Yes" to fulfill our husband's sexual need. However, as his helpmate, we must also persist in communicating our needs with respect, vulnerablity, and patience. That way, over the long-term both partners win and marriages are much happier.
Be blessed!
This book looks like a must-have for all young men!
I love the quote. If only more films and books made this clear instead of showing women and girls as being happy to hop into bed on a first date. No wonder young men get confused!
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