Marriage: What Drives Men ...

And How Wives Can Get the Love They Need
Written by e-Mom. Follow me on Twitter. Subscribe in a Reader

When it comes to relationships some people zig and others zag, but Christian motivational speaker Zig Ziglar has it all figured out. He says,

“You can have everything you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.”

Read it again. I’ll wait.

In other words, if we want to get we must first learn to give. Sound familiar? Sure it does. In Luke 6:38 we read,

“Give, and it shall be given unto you pressed down shaken together, running over…”

So who the hey is Zig Ziglar? And what does he know about people and relationships? I first ran into this charming southern gentleman through his sales and motivational tapes. In the early years of our marriage, e-Dad was in “outside” computer sales, and we listened to all kinds of materials to help him succeed in that business. Zig Ziglar is one of many expert teachers who influenced us along the way.

Give Me the Money that’s Sitting Over There in Your Pocket. NOW!

From Mr. Ziglar, e-Dad learned that the business of sales is less about cajoling and convincing people to buy a certain product, and more about finding out what the customers really want and need. Once you get whatever that is into their hands, they will gladly empty their wallets. The money follows quite naturally. Marketing and sales is largely about listening with the intent of meeting other people’s needs.

The best sales people are great listeners. They know they will be rewarded for their efforts if they pay close attention to what the customer wants. They don’t try to shoehorn the customers into buying what they want to sell them, because it simply doesn’t work. People will buy what they are looking for. A good salesperson is like a trail guide at the Grand Canyon. He directs and helps his customers get to where they want
to go.

So Often We Act Like Hucksters and Shysters

When it comes to marriage, the same rules apply. As wives, so often we behave like second-rate sales people. We act like the worst kind of hucksters and shysters. We are guilty of trying to force our husbands to be just like us, wanting what we want, and loving the way we love. We try to reform and cajole them into “buying” our way of doing life.

Our thinking goes something like this: “If my husband was more relational like me—if he was more spiritual (or saved)—he would meet my need for love effortlessly. Then I would be really happy in my marriage.” We stew on these kinds of thoughts ad infinitum.

Sisters, I have good news! We don’t need to simmer in frustration for the rest of our days. Trust me. I’ve been there. When I finally got past my own self-absorption and understood how e-Dad is different—the heavens opened!

Give Your Husband the Chance to Be Your Hero

This is what I’ve learned (and continue to learn) by studying, listening, and observing him. Very simply stated, like all men, e-Dad’s biggest need is to be needed.

Men need to be needed.

The more I understood e-Dad’s driving need to give successfully on this physical/material plane, the better I became at receiving from him. When I allow him to actively take the lead, for example, and he’s successful, not only does he feel respected (YES!!!) but I get the payback: I feel loved and cared for. Like an experienced sales person, I’ve learned how to lead e-Dad where he wants
to go.

But here’s the secret. I do this—not by stepping forward
(a zig) but by stepping back (a zag)—by NOT taking the lead.

Confused?

Love is the Currency of Our Choice to Zag

I’m talking about submission. Submission is not a passive attitude but rather it’s an active choice to trust, accept, and receive our husbands’ God-given inclination to lead, provide for and protect us. When we stand on the Word of God and refuse to take over of the reins, our men are empowered. This kind of support from a wife helps her husband to overcome his fears. She communicates that she respects her husband, and fuels his desire to succeed in giving his all. He wants prove he really is her hero!

But what about love and romance? When do we get all the warmth and good feelings from our husbands that we women crave so much? Just like the money flowing out of a satisfied customer’s wallet, once we’ve met our husband’s need for respect, his love and caring naturally begin to flow back toward us. It’s our payback for consistently giving him what he really needs the most—which is to lead and serve us.

And that’s a double blessing.

Related

1. "Blue Sunglasses" and "Pink Sunglasses" by Dr. Eggerichs at Love & Respect Reflects

2. "How do Men & Women Differ in their View of the Sexual Relationship in Marriage?" by Dennis Rainey at FamilyLife

Photos: JasonDeRusha, jerrroen, GRAEME, & 27smil (Flickr)

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