13 Assurances Every Child Needs
from a Concerned Adult
Written by e-Mom. Share on Twitter or FB. Subscribe in a Reader
The effect of divorce on children is well-documented. Most kids adjust after the immediate crisis surrounding the dissolution of their intact family. Unfortunately however, all children show signs of negative long-term effects
to varying degrees.
For instance, a ground-breaking 25-year study completed by Judith Wallerstein Ph.D., describes how children of divorce often have difficulty forming their own romantic relationships in young adulthood. These children also divorce more frequently than their peers, and many of them remain unmarried throughout their entire lives.
Without the direct, intentional support from concerned adults, research shows that the income, health, mental health, and behavior of many grown offspring of divorced parents will suffer as well.
How You Can Help
You might know a child whose parents’ marriage is failing. (Or perhaps your own marriage has come to an end). Following are thirteen guidelines to help you intervene on behalf of an innocent child who is caught in the cross-fire between two warring adults. Adapted from Medscape Today.
The effect of divorce on children is well-documented. Most kids adjust after the immediate crisis surrounding the dissolution of their intact family. Unfortunately however, all children show signs of negative long-term effects
to varying degrees.
For instance, a ground-breaking 25-year study completed by Judith Wallerstein Ph.D., describes how children of divorce often have difficulty forming their own romantic relationships in young adulthood. These children also divorce more frequently than their peers, and many of them remain unmarried throughout their entire lives.
Without the direct, intentional support from concerned adults, research shows that the income, health, mental health, and behavior of many grown offspring of divorced parents will suffer as well.
How You Can Help
You might know a child whose parents’ marriage is failing. (Or perhaps your own marriage has come to an end). Following are thirteen guidelines to help you intervene on behalf of an innocent child who is caught in the cross-fire between two warring adults. Adapted from Medscape Today. 1. To the best of your understanding, explain the reason for the divorce in terms that are appropriate for the age of the child. Most youngsters have no idea why their parents have decided to live apart.
2. Reassure the child (especially the younger ones) that the divorce is not their fault. Since kids are immature and
self-centered, they will need to hear this over and over.
3. Except for cases of abusive relationships and concerns of immediate safety, if you are the parent, inform the child well in advance of the separation and move out date.
4. If you are the parent, inform the child of the expected family structure after the divorce, and where they will be living. Discuss frequency of visitations, birthdays, and holiday schedules.
5. Don’t expect any child to respond to the news of their parents’ divorce in an adult-like controlled manner. Expect outbursts of anger, depression, and/or difficulty in school.
6. Remember the child must come to terms with one of life’s biggest challenges: loss. Assure them by providing help through the grieving process. Involve a professional counselor if necessary.
7. Children do not comprehend money or the true costs of maintaining a home. Assure them that they will continue to be provided for materially.
8. Reaffirm the rules and boundaries they have been living under prior to the divorce. Be consistent with discipline as is appropriate to your role as parent, relative, or friend.
9. Assure them that they can still love both parents, and both parents still love them. Discourage “taking sides.”
10. Speak respectfully to the child about all parties involved. Never belittle one partner or the other (or your
ex-spouse). Refrain from expressing anger or frustration in their presence.
11. It’s very tempting for women/ex-wives to seek comfort from their children. Find other supporters instead. A child needs the freedom to talk about his feelings with an emotionally strong adult.
12. Assure the child that they are the best thing that came out of the marriage, and that they will always be the precious son or daughter of their Mom and Dad.
13. Offer appropriate hugs and physical affection.
2. Reassure the child (especially the younger ones) that the divorce is not their fault. Since kids are immature and
self-centered, they will need to hear this over and over.
3. Except for cases of abusive relationships and concerns of immediate safety, if you are the parent, inform the child well in advance of the separation and move out date.
4. If you are the parent, inform the child of the expected family structure after the divorce, and where they will be living. Discuss frequency of visitations, birthdays, and holiday schedules.
5. Don’t expect any child to respond to the news of their parents’ divorce in an adult-like controlled manner. Expect outbursts of anger, depression, and/or difficulty in school.
6. Remember the child must come to terms with one of life’s biggest challenges: loss. Assure them by providing help through the grieving process. Involve a professional counselor if necessary.
7. Children do not comprehend money or the true costs of maintaining a home. Assure them that they will continue to be provided for materially.
8. Reaffirm the rules and boundaries they have been living under prior to the divorce. Be consistent with discipline as is appropriate to your role as parent, relative, or friend.
9. Assure them that they can still love both parents, and both parents still love them. Discourage “taking sides.”
10. Speak respectfully to the child about all parties involved. Never belittle one partner or the other (or your
ex-spouse). Refrain from expressing anger or frustration in their presence.
11. It’s very tempting for women/ex-wives to seek comfort from their children. Find other supporters instead. A child needs the freedom to talk about his feelings with an emotionally strong adult.
12. Assure the child that they are the best thing that came out of the marriage, and that they will always be the precious son or daughter of their Mom and Dad.
13. Offer appropriate hugs and physical affection.
Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
(Jn 8:10-11 NIV)
Related
• How to Cook a Family: What’s Your Step-Family’s Style?
• The Grace of Christian Marriage: Challenges of Remarriage
• The Grace of Christian Marriage: Challenges of Remarriage
Photos: phitar, Longiee & DaveParker (Flickr
Coming Up—Bible Study: Evidence for the Resurrection
What else would you add to this list?
8 Comments:
Hi, am late too of Thursday 13. I came after you. Anyhoo, here's My Thursday 13 #3 --- 13 Random Thoughts.. :) I hope you can come-by.
By the way, your post is so informational to those involve in divorce either if it is for the child, mom, dad or both of them to read this, they must thank you for the thought and advise. I would also like to thank you for sharing.. ~hugs&kisses~
:)
I've seen to many do 8, 9 & 10. I don't think I can add anything, but I am going to share this list of facebook once you have it up. I think it will help some youth group leaders at our church. They are dealing with kids coming who have just announced their parents are divorcing.
Just in case there's someone out there contemplating divorce, I would remind them divorce is not a solution, only a temporary escape from the problem that brings a whole load of new issues.
The divorce rate in our country is one of our biggest tragedies.
One commenter said...
Children of divorce do struggle in many ways. And older children struggle in different ways than smaller children. They all need some extra love and understanding. I think it is very important that you also understand your child love language at this point in time, because the really need you to communicate to them how much you love them, and each child will different love languages. I have three children and all three have a different love language.
Also remember to not talk bad about your ex to your children. It truly hurts them, they feel like you are talking bad about half of them and they feel like you are talking bad about them. So try very hard to not talk bad about your ex. And I know this is hard.
E-Mom - you hit the nail on the head every time. My parents divorced when I was two - I have a vague recollection of them living together but they are distant memories. In a sense, if my parents had to get divorced, then I am glad it happened when I was too little to understand. I saw my cousin go through her parents divorce when she was 13 and it truly messed her up.
When both my parents remarried when I was nine I went through a period of anxiety over issues of abandonment. I needed constant affirmation that my mum, in particular, would be there when I woke up in a morning.
I remember experiencing #2 when my mum and 'friend' parted ways I did feel that at 7 years old I had done something wrong. it's tough for a kid that's for sure - kids understand the turmoil somewhat - but aren't old enough to understand the complexity of relationships.
#8 was the the most important thing in my growing years - rules and boundaries brought a huge sense of safety to me.
#10 I respect my mum a million times over for not slamming my dad in front of me - however, I lost a lot of respect for my dad in the way he slammed my mum in front of me. 8 year olds get this - believe me! :)
I really have nothing to add to this only than to say what you have already said - affirm, affirm, affirm - BUT at the end of the day God still has a plan for the child. I am still amazed that at just the right time GOD SAVED ME!! and redeemed my life from a pit - bless you Lord!
What a great idea. Really solid information we can use to help kids.
This all looks like good information. I have read that the most important thing is to keep the relationship between the divorcing parties as amicable as possible. This will obviously be extremely hard sometimes, but a great deal less damage is done to the children as a result.
CacaiM: So nice to meet you!
Kim: Thanks for your support, as always. ((Hugs))
TamiB: Wise words, my friend. :~D
Shelley: I say a hearty "Amen" to this: God still has a plan for the child. I am still amazed that at just the right time GOD SAVED ME!! and redeemed my life from a pit - bless you Lord! (((Hugs)))
Deb: Thanks for stopping by.
Buffy: Yes, studies show that a child relates to his/her parents as a single person. Hard, so hard, when they divorce. :~D
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