Dos & Don'ts for Working Wives (Part 2)

My Interview With Mrs. Super-Successful
Written by e-Mom. Follow me on Twitter

Recently, I had dinner with a dear Christian friend, Jan who is a well-compensated executive with a local financial services firm. Married for the first time in her mid-forties, she revealed how she's been able to create a happy marriage with a man who earns significantly less than she does. To give us some insights, she graciously agreed to answer a few of my questions.

For the Introduction to this article, please see "Dos & Don'ts for Working Wives (Part 1)."

Q. How did you meet Pete, and how long have you two been married?

A. Pete and I have been married for almost eight years after dating for 3+ years. Pete had been married before (with no children) while I had never been married. We met in 1998 through a print personals ad that was the precursor to the whole internet dating scene that is so common today. I was the only woman to respond to his ad and after our first lively chat on the phone, his ability to make me laugh intrigued me and made me anxious to meet him in person.

Q. Since you were single for a significant part of your adult years, you became accustomed to fending for yourself in every way. How do you allow Pete to “step up to the plate” so you can feel adored and cared for? What don’t you do?

A. As noted so clearly in his classic book His Needs Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Ph.D., the number one basic need for a woman to receive from her husband within their marriage is Affection. Being affectionate in words and deeds (saying how much he loves me, holding hands, spontaneously kissing, sending cards and flowers, etc.) are non-financial acts that I have encouraged from the very beginning of our relationship.

A man who exceedingly meets his wife’s number one need and receives thanks and encouragement every time he succeeds in her eyes, will feel successful. In the book Men Are Like Waffles Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel, they note that a man will strategically organize his life in boxes and then spend most of his time in the boxes he can succeed in. I make sure to tell Pete what makes me happy, like date nights, flowers sent to work, sentimental cards and weekend surprise getaways. I don’t belittle even the smallest affectionate gesture as I am thankful always for the thoughtful and fun ways Pete demonstrates his love for me.

Q. You mentioned that you’ve learned the power of two words: “Thank you.” Under what circumstances are you careful to express your appreciation to Pete? What don't you do?

A. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is for a wife to say "Thank you!" to her husband. Thank him for just being him and loving you in addition to all the tasks he does around the house. I always thank Pete for mowing the lawn, vacuuming and other day-to-day tasks that make my life easier. The key is not expecting to be thanked in return for what I do for him. I don’t need or expect to hear those words. His hand in mine is enough thanks for me!

Q. How do you and Pete handle the household bills? Do you have separate checking accounts? What don’t you do?

A. As I am in the financial services business, I handle paying the household bills and Pete appreciates that because it isn’t really his strength. We have one combined checking account and both of our paychecks go into that account. We don’t have allowances, per se, and we talk over big purchases or vacation plans, etc. I don’t micromanage what either of us spends on day-to-day expenses as neither of us are “big spenders.” We love to travel and so that has become the area where we splurge whether it is a cruise to the Mediterranean or hiking through the National Parks. We both have input into where we go and because we have so much fun together, I can’t say we have ever had a bad vacation. The key is to give up the “control hat” that many of us high achiever women wear all day long and let your husband love you in “his way.”

Q. Pete’s sales job has seen a downturn with the recent economic recession and he has accepted a significant pay cut along with his co-workers. How have you dealt with the reduction of income?

A. My main point of emphasis to Pete was not to focus on the reduction in his salary, but to realize that shared sacrifice is a good thing for his company. This means that valuable employees will not get laid off and the whole staff will be intact when the economy improves. He feels positive about helping his company succeed over the long haul.

Q. What parting advice would you offer to women who have suddenly been thrust into the role of family breadwinner due to the current recession?

A. Amy Pulsifer, in an article titled “The Secrets of 50-Year Marriages” confessed that she felt disheartened as she discovered that the major factor that contributed to the success of the long-term marriages in her research, was well-defined, traditional gender roles: the husband was responsible for providing financial support; and the wife looked after their home and children.

When the gender roles in your marriage are turned upside down or adjusted to meet economic realities, the key is to communicate openly, honestly and often with your husband about your needs. Together, you need to find ways to help him to be successful at meeting those that do not have financial measures as their yardstick. Your role (wife as primary breadwinner) may be temporary or permanent; the key is to work together to make your marriage permanent.

Thank you so much for sharing your insights today, Jan. As my thank you, a trip to Baskins & Robbins for ice cream is waiting somewhere in your future!

Helpful Resources

1. Weathering the Storm of Job Loss by FamilyLife
2. The Purpose-Driven Job Hunter by Christianity Today
3. "The Secrets of 50-Year Marriages" by Mary Kassian

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Photos: dchrisoh, Alpharetta+CVB, J.McPherson (Flickr)

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