Reality Touches All of Us
You've read the headlines, and maybe even taken some time to read beyond them. Perhaps you’ve been following Jon and Kate Plus 8 on TLC. Reality has turned ugly, and it’s a sad but familiar story. It doesn't have to be, but divorce seems inevitable for the Gosselins. Unfortunately, ignorance of this celebrity marriage failure is impossible. Thanks to modern technology, it’s in our collective face. Here are some revealing insights from FamilyLife’s Culture Watch.
Nobody’s Happy About Jon and Kate
“Few people are surprised by the announcement last night that Jon and Kate Gosselin are separating.
And nobody seems to be happy about it.
It's true that in America we appear to be drifting away from a commitment to marriage, with more couples than ever living together and having children out of wedlock. Our divorce rate remains one of the highest among nations. But a story like this shows me that most of us still want the dream to come true—we want couples to stay together and live happily ever after. We don't like watching them fall apart. And we don't like what divorce does to the children.
There are endless debates about who is at fault in this situation. To some, Kate is a dedicated mother who is doing everything she can for her kids; to others she is a harpy who controlled her husband and fell in love with the trappings of celebrity. To some, Jon is a loving father and unwitting victim of the celebrity lifestyle he chose; to others he is a passive husband who is unwilling to step in and do what he can to set things straight for the sake of his marriage and the children.
But I don't see many people happy about the Gosselins heading toward divorce. They're wondering why they don't seek counseling. They're worried about what this will do to the eight Gosselin children. It's a cultural conversation: Yesterday a co-worker was driving to work and heard a long discussion on radio about what Jon and Kate could to do save their marriage.
‘This episode was the hardest, ever, for me to watch,’ one Entertainment Weekly reader lamented. ‘After the show was over, I broke down and cried. It was extremely hard (beyond words to describe) to even hear Jon and Kate say they are splitting up. When you grow attached to a family, it is very hard to watch it all fall apart. I wish Jon and Kate were able to talk it out and not let it end this way. I am mostly concerned about what is going to happen to the children. I wish the family the best of luck and hope things can only get better...’”
Do You Worry Your Own Marriage?
If so, you can be proactive. Lately, I’ve been wondering what I can do to help younger couples succeed in marriage.
e-Dad and I have 30 years of married life behind us, and we’d love to pass on some of our life's lessons. But before we can flesh out our vision, we need your valuable input.
e-Dad and I have 30 years of married life behind us, and we’d love to pass on some of our life's lessons. But before we can flesh out our vision, we need your valuable input.
Many of you know I’ve been fortunate to host the monthly Marriage Monday meme. Through the summer months, our lovely guest hostess Christine at Fruit in Season
(the meme’s originator) has taken on the challenge to keep it running. Recently, she posted some ideas for writing about July's light 'n easy topic, "Traveling With Your Husband." Please join Christine on July 6, 2009.
(the meme’s originator) has taken on the challenge to keep it running. Recently, she posted some ideas for writing about July's light 'n easy topic, "Traveling With Your Husband." Please join Christine on July 6, 2009.
Contribute to the Conversation
Meanwhile behind-the-scenes, I’ve been brewing up an idea about putting some of the marriage wisdom shared here at Chrysalis into ebook-form. And I would love to have your input. In the comment box, would you be kind enough to answer the following question:
Q. In your marriage, what’s your biggest problem, frustration, fear, or challenge?
A. It could be. . .
• your finances
• lack of romance
• challenges in the bedroom
• problems with the kids
• an unbelieving spouse and so on
Whatever you struggle with the most, I’d like to know about it. That way e-Dad and I can address those issues in our ebook. (Your remarks may be included, but only with your permission of course.) Are you willing to strengthen your marriage by participating with us?
Chocolate Giveaway
Let me "sweeten the pot" a little!
If you decide to answer my question in the comments, and you’d like to be entered in my giveaway, please include your email address. THREE random winners will receive a bar of chocolate for donating your time to this project. Sound tasty?
Let me "sweeten the pot" a little!If you decide to answer my question in the comments, and you’d like to be entered in my giveaway, please include your email address. THREE random winners will receive a bar of chocolate for donating your time to this project. Sound tasty?
Here’s to your marital happiness, and thank you for your participation.
In your marriage, what’s your biggest problem, frustration, fear, or challenge?
In your marriage, what’s your biggest problem, frustration, fear, or challenge?Photos: KarenAquist/TLC, Google Images, Starbucks
27 Comments:
I would guess my biggest frustration is always needing to compromise. It's not always about me, and I need to work to understand my husband. We both need to understand each other. Marriage is work. Great work, but work! So many people are not willing to work it out. My husband and I don't fight often, but when we do I (and he) are learning to not walk away, but stay in it until we come to an agreement. We may have to then be alone for a while to adjust (me mostly), but then it's done.
My biggest issue on my part is trust. That really works against us sometimes. I don't know why, but I have problems trusting period. My husband is the one I trust the most, but I am always afraid I will do something that will make him leave. This is a me problem.
To be honest, the only thing my husband and I really argue about is money. We both agree that it's silly to argue about it - there just isn't that much of it. But underneath the superficial bickering about finances, it really boils down to control. He makes budget decisions and I sulk because I wasn't consulted. Mature, right? Fortunately, we don't butt heads constantly, but enough that we recognize that money is a topic we need to be careful discussing as it tends to be a hot button issue for us.
I am one of those throngs of folks who watched faithfully as this couple were raising their eight children, only to see their marriage crumble before our eyes...and what the author said about the good and bad points of both Jon and Kate, I have to agree with both of those opinions on each of them! (If that makes sense...) They each have thier good and bad points, but what is frustrating is that they won't put their marriage first and begin an all out effort to not only save it, but find out how to make it good.
Anyway...as far as our own marriage struggles over the years, I'd have to say communication has been one of the biggest challenges. We are doing so much better these days but it has not always been so. It took a lot of learning along the way, with help from seminars like "Love and Respect" and others to help us understand why each of us sometimes weren't always communicating effectively.
On a personal note, thank you again for your recent prayers and support...hope you have a wonderful week, emom!
The answer to this is my mother-in-law. My husband came from a pure Chinese background, his dad died when he was five years old and so he was practically raised by his over-protective, demanding, strict and Buddhist mother. The whole family converted to Christianity when my husband was a child but the only reason for the conversion was because it was good for business and all Chinese businessmen who converted attested that their businesses flourished thereafter.
However, my husband was another story. His conversion became genuine when he reached his early twenties and he defied all Chinese traditions and beliefs that were also against Scriptures. And then, he met me - a non-Chinese who had no business and no fat bank account. My mother-in-law was furious that even on the day of our wedding, she made a little scene that confirmed to everyone in attendance that I am not welcome to my husband's family.
A year and four months into our marriage, she still won't stop. My husband and I are both active in the ministry and we are happy with our income, we are happy that we still don't have a child (because we think having one at this point might force us to slow down on the ministry) although we are not on birth control or anything, we are happy that we rent a small apartment with three cats and a household help who recently professed her faith in Jesus Christ. But my mother-in-law is raging mad about it all. Everyday she'd call and talk my husband into divorcing me, using my inability to get pregnant as grounds for divorce. We had to change phone numbers twice in our marriage just so she won't reach us, it's hard for us to be "incommunicado" to his family because we love them, but what is left for us to do? We also have tried many, many, many times to evangelize to her, but she remains loyal to her Buddhist faith, which really breaks my husband's heart.
Dearest E-Mom,
I think that for us, the hardest thing is the "unknown" part of God's plan. I am going to be 38 in December and Rob will be 42 in November. We will have been married only 3 years two days before his birthday. As of now, we have not been able to conceive a child. Also, I am still having to work since Rob is finishing a degree and we need the extra income. My life's desire (my Psalm 37:4 desire) is to stay at home and answer to no one but God and my husband (no more corporate life). However, we are still reliant on that income and the stress of my job feels as if it's consuming me (healthcare administration/management). I also feel that the stress may be the contributing factor that we haven't conceived yet. In all of this, we both love the Lord more than anything. He is our first love. We know that He is God and God alone. We know that He has a divine plan that is better than anything that our fleshly imaginations can conceive. But, it has really been hard to be "in the waiting". The unknown has been overwhelming to both of us, sometimes to the point that it has caused arguments. However, the Lord always gently reminds us that He is in control. I know (and so does he) that we will be blessed for the waiting.
Blessings to you!
ohhhhhhhhh e-mom
the gosselin story is so sad, so tragic and so utterly preventable. it breaks my heart.
the children
the children
the children
what about the children.
I've grown through phases in my marriage. The first was trust, that he was not going to walk out on me like my dad did my mom. God took care of that issue and delivered me from that bondage. The second was realizing that when I was frustrated, most of the time 90% of the frustration was my problem, only 10% of it his. Another frustrating area I was freed from was when I got hold of Don and Katie Fortune's Spiritual Gifts book (see my must have books for moms). This book opened my eyes to the gift God put in me and the gift God put in my husband. It enabled me to see the different ways we communicate and function in a positive light. By recognizing that this is how God made each of us, I was better able to appreciate the differences in each of us--and embrace being me:). We've been married almost 26 years. Marriage just gets better and better.
Great topic. I must be the only gal who'd never heard of the Gosselins!
Anyway, frustrations...communication: Me: "Quit yelling at me!" Him: "I'm not yelling, this is just how I talk!"
Money/Priorities: Me: "Glad you bought a brand new fancy camera, but I really wanted a refrigerator." Him: "I'm not buying a new refrigerator until I can afford exactly what I want and I won't buy it on credit."
Blessings, have a great week!
A Stone Gatherer: Trust... yes, I hear you Kim. I work at that one constantly. I'm sorry you fear that your DH will leave. Perhaps you were "left" in some way as a child? Thanks so much for jumping in and sharing. :~D
April: Ah yes, money. That's a challenge in most marriages. Experts say it's the number one marriage conflict. When my DH makes budget decisions without consulting me, I try to let go. He understands that if our financial ship goes down, he's singularly responsible. And biblically, as the leader of our family, he really is the one who is held accountable. Thanks for your input. :~D
Tammy: I've watched a few Gosselins episodes myself. And now this awful news... why is celebrity life frequently so brutal?
I agree, communication is biggie. As two genders, we have such different styles... which usually rear their heads when we're both under stress. Love and Respect is a godsend to many. Thanks for mentioning Dr. Eggerich's book here. I hope you're feeling better my friend!
Hazel: So nice to meet you. In-law problems are painful, but common. I'm sorry your MIL has had a hard time accepting you into the family. I hope you and your DH have a lot of supporters around you. Take good care of yourself, and don't let her negative attitude get you down for long on any given day.
Wife of Rob: Ouch. I've heard that waiting to conceive a child is very difficult. Your attitude is SO faith-filled and no doubt gets you through some rough days. There are lots of options for couples who can't conceive a child. Perhaps you're praying about adoption and other medical treatments for infertility. God bless you, Pair of Bartletts!
Roo: Yes, the children. As an adult child of divorced parents, I ache for the children too.
Blue Cotton Memory: You're a woman after my own heart. I absolutely LOVE Don and Katie Fortune's books about motivational giftings! Thanks for mentioning them here in the context of marriage. The information the authors present revolutionized my life, and now it's difficult to not do a little "mental assessment" of each person I meet. I'm so glad your marriage of 26 years has been so successful--especially as the child of divorce. Bless you!
Jennifer: Lol, I'm laughing with you. My husband likes LOUD enthusiastic preaching, whereas I prefer a more measured, thoughtful "oratory" from the pulpit.
Communication styles do differ among couples, to be sure. And money is the other big one. You've hit on two areas of marriage that need constant tune-ups. Thanks for stopping by today. :~D
My biggest personal issue is probably wanting my own way and thinking I know best!
ps i realised i forgot to answer your question....
the biggest frustration in my marriage?.....it changes -- dependant on how much sleep i've had (hahaha) but i'd say it's communication. he says "red" and i hear "blue". :)
Well, no one has mentioned this yet, but I can't believe I'm the only one... I'll be brave enough to say it for everyone else: bedroom issues are the biggest problem for us! Money can be frustrating, communication sometimes fails, but trying to compromise between a man's high sex drive, and a woman's low sex drive is often at the forefront of our conflicts. Obviously, not all men and women are they same, but I think our situation is typical of many marriages, at least based on what I have heard and read.
I also agree with the one who said in-laws. It's difficult to blend two different families and family cultures. My husband struggles with certain things about my family, and I struggle with certain things about his.
In particular, I think the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is often very difficult, and I know it is in my case. I personally feel that my MIL does not have any respect for me, and she is always trying to instruct me in any area she thinks I'm lacking. I know she is sometimes hurt because I keep her at a distance, but I do so to protect myself from her constant criticism (which she does not see as criticism). I know there are things I could do to improve the relationship, but I don't always have the selfless attitude that requires!
I'm new here, and I have a couple of questions:
1) What's a DH?
2) What was the original purpose or intent behind the prompt: "What's the Biggest Problem or Frustration in Your Marriage?"
3) Are there any boundaries or guidelines in place when responding to a prompt of this nature? (I ask this because the actual prompt can easily open up a floodgate of strong emotions.
Frustrations over money, sex, in-laws, communication, etc. are all quite normal in any marriage. I've experienced all of the above to some degree at one time or another. However, one thing I have learned that most assuredly does NOT help any marriage is complaining about my husband or our marriage or his family to others. My husband and I both view this as disrespectful. Yes, there are moments when we just don't see eye to eye, and when this happens we have two or three Godly people, who we both deeply respect, that we can go to for help or advice. These people are not necessarily "friends we hang out with or socialize with," but rather, they are either a pastor or a Godly counselor who have known us since we were dating.
One of the Biggest Strengths in Our Marriage is the trust my husband has in me knowing that I will not complain about him or our marriage to my "girlfriends." I have too much respect for him to do that.
Now this does not mean that we "put on a happy face" and "pretend" not have any issues at all. We are very open and honest about "where we're at" in our marriage, but we reserve the details to a sacred chosen few.
I am honestly interesting in learning more about this marriage meme concept. And I truly hope that my post here comes across as merely inquisitive.
Denise Hughes :)
Buffy: Yes, most of us struggle with Godly submssion. :~D
Roo: Have you heard of H.A.L.T.? Communication usually breaks down if we're Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Makes sense, doesn't it? Thanks for coming back! Shalom.
Anonymous: Whoever you are, thanks for sticking your neck out. Yes, bedroom issues can be tricky. Sex drive does differ between the sexes, and among individuals. Thanks for bringing this thorny issue to light. In-law conficts add another dimension that can be a challenge. Bless you, and I hope you'll return to Chrysalis.
Denise Hughes: Welcome, and thanks for visiting today.
Your questions:
1. DH = Dear Husband
2. The question prompt is intended to solicit feedback for an ebook about Christian marriage that my DH and I are writing for regular Chrysalis readers.
3. If you read the other comments, I think you'll get a sense of what remarks are appropriate on this blog.
The Marriage Monday meme meets here at Chrysalis the first Monday of every month. I suggest a topic, and then our community of bloggers writes about it and links up here. That way, we can all visit and learn from one another. If you click on the yellow MM graphic in my sidebar, several MM posts will pop up. That will give you an idea of the topics we cover here.
If you're uncomfortable discussing marriage with anyone other than a counselor or pastor, I understand. But do feel free to join us for the meme if you would like to. We have a guest hostess through August--the information is posted in my sidebar.
You might also be interested to read my complete BIO. A link is posted in my sidebar under "About Chrysalis."
Blessings! e-Mom
Thank you for answering my questions. I apologize for any misunderstanding...I am not at all uncomfortable discussing my marriage, but I am uncomfortable with intentionally complaining about my husband. I see this as two different things - with the latter being destructive rather than helpful (Ephesians 4:29).
Denise Hughes: I agree that merely complaining about our spouse's failings in a public forum is akin to a "rant." The community of regular readers and contributors here are more interested in helping one another and growing together. Thanks for following up. :~D
Our greatest challenge right now is getting time apart from one another. We live together, work together, sleep together, play together, minister together... and so on. I find myself trying to stay up after he has gone to bed or get up early to get in some time alone. I love my husband and I love our life here in Russia... I would just like an afternoon or a day to myself now and then!!
I don't watch much tv, but can't help but to have heard about John and Kate. It is tragic. In a marriage, one has the opportunity to create a legacy or fall prey to divorce. The tragic thing about divorce is that it affects SO many more people than just the couple involved. Our life road is mapped out by the choices we make. My husband and I desire a strong, everlasting marriage, being wise to the roadblocks that may come our way. However, we chose marriage and we continue to chose marriage everyday. We are blessed to share in a union that God has created for us.
My husband and I both discussed the question. I was curious to see what he thought and if would be the same thing I was thinking. We both chose the same answer: lack of romance. We have a small child. This isn't so much the problem as "everyday" events. We are so happy with one another and so happy to be together. We both describe our marriage as strong and bonded. We do both acknowledge the lack of romance as well. I fear this has the opportunity to become a bigger issue in the future.
Alida: In many ways, you're in an enviable position--needing time apart. Necessary, and well said. Thanks for your feedback today... and nice to meet you!
Katy Montgomery: You raise two very important issues: committment and romance. I'm delighted to hear that you continue to choose to be committed to each other. But I also understand how the ever-present needs of a small child interferes with romantic expression. Spontaneity is out (for now) and planning ahead is in! Thanks for stopping by today. :~D
I'm back from vacation and just read this. Sad I missed Marriage Monday...I was traveling with my hubby!
Our challenge is apathy/mediocrity. We are dedicated to our kids, work, and ministry. We give, give, give so much to others we forget each other. I didn't know how much so until I watched Fireproof.
As an aside, women are welcome to join us at Christian Women Take Root.com/TheLoveDare. We are participating in the Love Dare at our own pace, checking in and receiving encouragement and friendship. Live chats each Thursday at 10PM EST. This has helped my marriage a lot!
the biggest challenge for me is my husband's struggle with pornography. and yes he is a solid born again christian....but even Christians have these issues...and it has been a source of major frustration in our marriage...he has received counseling, and accountability groups and has given this over to God numerous times..but...i get weary of being the one holding him accountable and wish he could just be "cured"...however, we both continue to press in and believe that God will help him to overcome this just like any addiction can be overcome with the power of the Holy Spirit.
Julie: Oh yes, it's easy to forget about each other! Boredom and apathy are certainly enemies of romance and intimacy. Thanks for the links and info. :~D
Faith: Thanks for your honest sharing. I'm so sorry for your suffering. Do you have a cirle of personal supporters?
No doubt your husband's problem is just like any other addiction--challenging to overcome, but not impossible.
I just ran across this website which may be a help: http://www.porntopurity.com/
Keeping you both in prayer.
we should give ourselves a break and count it a blessing to at least see that its really progress in moving forward in our marriages as we describe our "Troubles"to each other within these blogs.
I must confess, I am fearful to express my marriage concerns to other women, as some relationships have turned in opposite directions and have hurt me quite a bit in my past. Our family is a blended family which includes and you can imagine a huge amount of troubles as well as a huge amount of blessings. Though, speaking personally in regards to my new marriage, my husband is 10yrs older than me (41 and 31) we now have a child of our own, we brings much delight to us. Though, it appears as though baggage from our past still creeps in. Our communication is the worst problem in our marriage, he'll even admit that. We just don't see eye to eye on many topics and when its bad, it pours in our house, no understanding, very selfish behaviors...hard to get past. Without going into too many details, distrust, oppression, passive-aggressive personality, insensitive, unapologetic attitudes are what hurt our marriage deeply. It sometimes feels as though, his love can be "Conditional" and oppressive toward me and our family. I am a praying passionate wife and mother and know my responsibilities and do my best with God's help to live joyfully and try to forgive and move forward, though, my spirit is crushed when we argue and fight. Its quite difficult when you love someone so much, but your emotions and feelings are deteriorating...could you send me a message of some pointers to help me through? We've only been married for 3 yrs/though a second marriage (more to our stories of course) and need prayer and intercession in alot of areas still. Our own pastors cannot seem to help... Appreciate your eyes and ears and prayers. Waiting on God like the rest of us.
Nichole: Thank you for your heartfelt comment. I will email you with some of my thoughts on communictation. It really can be a challenge!
The last few years we have dealt with serious illnesses. When one's spouse is chronically ill it definitely has an impact on a marriage. There is lots of immediate change that the whole family must adjust too. I am sure if you also took in a sick parent or had a sick child there would be similar issues.
Just my two cents. :)
Hi Tonya,
I know you've had to deal with a lot regarding both your son and your husband. You seem capable and full of faith--even in the midst of trial. I gather you were ill for a while too? I'm so sorry.
Just recently, I re-read a Chrisitan book on submission called "Dancing With the One You Love." (I was asked to review it for Chrysalis and hold a giveaway.) The author, Cindy Easley, addresses women who live with difficult circumstances in their marriages e.g. husband's chronic illness, unsaved spouse, alcoholism, under-employment, etc.
Easley offers practical advice about how to remain respectful and feel cared for, even when our husbands are not the same men we married. You might be interested to take a peek:
http://www.chrysaliscafe.com/2010/11/book-review-dancing-with-one-you-love.html
I plan to add illness to our list of 2011 Marriage Monday topics. Thanks for your two cents!
Hugs, e-Mom ღ
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