The Sanctuary of Christian Marriage

Sexual Intimacy as a Sanctuary

Today I want to talk about what goes on in the bedroom—or doesn't. We know God designed our sexuality for good, and in marriage we're given the freedom to express ourselves in healthy ways. I'm convinced a robust sex life has the potential to provide a sanctuary, or a shelter from the many stresses of our lives. But in most marriages, too many barriers stand in the way of finding frequent respite and relief in the loving arms of our spouse.

Listen to the following quote by Marriage Missions International taken from the helpful book, Intimacy Ignited by Joseph and Linda Dillow and Peter and Lorraine Pintus. This book is a follow-up to the best seller Intimate Issues which is based on the Song of Solomon.

Nabbing Thieves That Steal Your Intimacy

"Every couple wishes the romance and starry-eyed love could last forever. But at some point every husband and wife must cross the invisible line between fantasy love and real life, where the majority of marriage is lived out.

Even King Solomon and the Shulammite crossed that line as problems threatened to erode their intimacy: 'Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom' (Song of Songs 2:15). She told him, 'We’ve got problems. Can’t you see those little foxes? They’re going to ruin everything for us. Do something about this.'

Most Old Testament scholars agree that the vineyards in this verse represent Solomon and the Shulammite’s love. Everything seems perfect, except that she spies some little foxes in their vineyard, and warns Solomon of their presence. While seemingly harmless, foxes dug holes and passages that loosened the soil around the vines, preventing them from developing a stable root system. In this instance, that root system is their intimacy.

Proverbial symbols of destroyers, the little foxes in this passage symbolize the small problems that gnaw at the root of their love. We must catch those foxes that gnaw at the root of our love, because if we don’t, they’ll destroy our desire for sexual intimacy.

A recent cover of Newsweek showed a husband and wife in bed, dressed in full-length pajamas. He stares blankly at a computer on his lap while she shovels spoonfuls of Häagen-Dazs into her mouth, a zoned-out look on her face. A blaring headline reads, 'No Sex, Please, We’re Married.' The subtitle asks, 'Are Stress, Kids, and Work Killing Romance?'

The answer? Yes! Stress is eating us alive. And the two most common foxes, or intimacy killers, for married couples? Work and kids.

Intimacy stealer #1: Overwork. Work, work, work. According to former Labor Secretary Robert Reich, Americans worked 350 hours more this year than last year, and this upward trend continues. And the result is neglected marriages.

John works 75 hours a week under the guise of providing for his family. Amy’s request for him to spend more time at home unleashes strong emotion in them both. He’s angry: “Doesn’t she understand the pressure I’m under?” She’s despondent: “Doesn’t he see he’s becoming a stranger to me?”

But in most marriages, too many barriers stand in the way of finding frequent respite and relief in the loving arms of our spouse.

Men are not the only ones who suffer from overwork. Women who are employed full time are usually still the main family and house managers. And don’t forget about stay-at-home moms.

It used to be that several times a year, Americans took a vacation. They retreated to a quaint cabin (with no television) by a mountain lake, where they sipped lemonade, listened to the katydids chirp, and enjoyed the chance to get away from the phone and their daily routine.

These days, instead of getting away, we take it all with us. On our last vacation, we each took a cell phone and a laptop. Count it up: between us, five days away with four cell phones, four laptops, two Palm Pilots, and two Day-Timers. Unfortunately, constant connections with the outside world can leave us disconnected from our mate.

Intimacy stealer #2: Children. First you married, then you had kids. Problems surface when couples reverse this order. We best serve our kids when we make our marriage our first priority.

Children, while gifts from God and a joy to parents, require constant care, diminishing opportunities for intimacy. Cassie told us: 'I’ve got three preschoolers. I’m so exhausted from kids pulling on me all day that by bedtime, I can hardly move. Then my husband wants sex, and he wonders why I’m irritated. The last thing I need is another person pulling on my worn-out body.'

Murphy’s Law says, 'Sex makes little kids. Kids make little sex.'

So what do we do about work and kids? How can we catch these foxes and recapture intimacy?" The Dillows and the Pintuses have some great ideas! Discover what they have to say here about:

• prayer
  
• scheduling
  
• mentors


• peer accountability


• fasting from TV


• hiring a babysitter


• resting on the Sabbath

Related

1. For more Marriage Monday posts on this important topic, click here.

2. Intimate Issues for Christian Women: 21 Important FAQs by Chrysalis



How does your marriage provide a "sanctuary" for you and your spouse?

Photos: darkroom11 (Flickr) & amazon.com