Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Eph. 4:32 - 5:2 NIV)
The Challenges of Remarriage
As Christians, we’re graced with a Love we don’t deserve, and sustained by divine affections that are tenacious and forgiving. According to Scripture, marriage was designed to reflect the perfect union of Christ and his Bride, the church. As wives, we’re called to surrender and trust our imperfect husbands, even as our mates struggle to fulfill their calling to love, provide, and protect us. For both spouses, their marriage should be a place where Christian grace abounds.
Some time ago, I read a piece in Christianity Today that surprised and touched me. Today, I wanted to share it with you. The story, “Runner-Up Wife” describes the unexpected feelings a first-time wife experienced after her marriage to a divorced man. (Yes, it happens.) The following excerpt from Ginger Kolbaba’s book Surprised by Remarriage: A Guide to Happily Even After expresses her honest feelings toward her new husband. Among other things, I think they highlight her generous attitude of grace by choosing to marry a man who had been married before.
Runner-Up Wife
by Ginger Kolbaba
“I remember how surprised I was when I discovered I was mourning my loss in my marriage. I thought, How can this be? I'm not the one divorced; my husband is. But I realized I grieve for several things.
First, of course, I grieve for my husband and his loss. I love him and don't like to see him in pain. I see when he's feeling sad. I see the distress he carries because his daughter has lost a dream and the innocence and security of an intact family. I try not to feel insecure, because I know he loves me, yet I realize our marriage wasn't his ideal. It has become that now. But it was not his first plan.
Second, I grieve for me.
In high school, I was crowned Miss Akron TEEN and went on to become a semifinalist in the Ohio state pageant. But I didn't actually win the Miss Akron TEEN pageant. I won first runner-up.
Then, a month or so later, the dream came true. I received a phone call from a pageant representative who said the winner had relinquished her title and I was now the "it" girl.
I became Miss Akron TEEN.
I received the crown and all the privileges that came with it. Parades, photo ops, and a chance to go to the state pageant. Free modeling lessons. A college scholarship.
There was only one small problem: I never got to hear anybody announce my name as the winner. I never heard the applause. I never had the opportunity to walk down the runway, bearing the falling crown over my bouffant hair-sprayed coif, wearing the sliding Miss Akron TEEN banner, holding the roses.
People knew me as the beauty pageant winner. And that's what counts in the end. But I knew the truth. I was runner-up.
That pageant is the story of my marriage. I'm a runner-up wife. I'm not a first in my husband's life. I'm a second. And, technically, I'll always be a second.
Yes, I get the crown and all the privileges: the parades, the photo ops, a great trophy husband. But I never got to experience the applause for being announced as the first.
His ex-wife experienced the firsts with him: first walk down the aisle, first love, first sexual experience, first house, first child, first promotion, first car, first gray hair. He has an entire history that doesn't include me. He has friends who know him in relation to his first wife.
There are moments when I mourn that, when I mourn the loss of my dream to be the first. While those times occur less and less frequently now, every once in a while that reality reemerges and reminds me of my loss.”
Related
1. Is Divorce Ever Right? by Chrysalis
2. Other Resources From CT That Give Insight Into Remarriage
3. For more Marriage Monday posts, click here.
Can you identify in any way with this
married woman?
Photo: Ovaldo_Zoom & radiantguy (Flickr)
As Christians, we’re graced with a Love we don’t deserve, and sustained by divine affections that are tenacious and forgiving. According to Scripture, marriage was designed to reflect the perfect union of Christ and his Bride, the church. As wives, we’re called to surrender and trust our imperfect husbands, even as our mates struggle to fulfill their calling to love, provide, and protect us. For both spouses, their marriage should be a place where Christian grace abounds.
Some time ago, I read a piece in Christianity Today that surprised and touched me. Today, I wanted to share it with you. The story, “Runner-Up Wife” describes the unexpected feelings a first-time wife experienced after her marriage to a divorced man. (Yes, it happens.) The following excerpt from Ginger Kolbaba’s book Surprised by Remarriage: A Guide to Happily Even After expresses her honest feelings toward her new husband. Among other things, I think they highlight her generous attitude of grace by choosing to marry a man who had been married before.
Runner-Up Wife
by Ginger Kolbaba
“I remember how surprised I was when I discovered I was mourning my loss in my marriage. I thought, How can this be? I'm not the one divorced; my husband is. But I realized I grieve for several things.
First, of course, I grieve for my husband and his loss. I love him and don't like to see him in pain. I see when he's feeling sad. I see the distress he carries because his daughter has lost a dream and the innocence and security of an intact family. I try not to feel insecure, because I know he loves me, yet I realize our marriage wasn't his ideal. It has become that now. But it was not his first plan.
Second, I grieve for me.
In high school, I was crowned Miss Akron TEEN and went on to become a semifinalist in the Ohio state pageant. But I didn't actually win the Miss Akron TEEN pageant. I won first runner-up.
Then, a month or so later, the dream came true. I received a phone call from a pageant representative who said the winner had relinquished her title and I was now the "it" girl.
I became Miss Akron TEEN.
I received the crown and all the privileges that came with it. Parades, photo ops, and a chance to go to the state pageant. Free modeling lessons. A college scholarship.
There was only one small problem: I never got to hear anybody announce my name as the winner. I never heard the applause. I never had the opportunity to walk down the runway, bearing the falling crown over my bouffant hair-sprayed coif, wearing the sliding Miss Akron TEEN banner, holding the roses.People knew me as the beauty pageant winner. And that's what counts in the end. But I knew the truth. I was runner-up.
That pageant is the story of my marriage. I'm a runner-up wife. I'm not a first in my husband's life. I'm a second. And, technically, I'll always be a second.
Yes, I get the crown and all the privileges: the parades, the photo ops, a great trophy husband. But I never got to experience the applause for being announced as the first.
His ex-wife experienced the firsts with him: first walk down the aisle, first love, first sexual experience, first house, first child, first promotion, first car, first gray hair. He has an entire history that doesn't include me. He has friends who know him in relation to his first wife.
There are moments when I mourn that, when I mourn the loss of my dream to be the first. While those times occur less and less frequently now, every once in a while that reality reemerges and reminds me of my loss.”
Related
1. Is Divorce Ever Right? by Chrysalis
2. Other Resources From CT That Give Insight Into Remarriage
3. For more Marriage Monday posts, click here.
Can you identify in any way with thismarried woman?
Photo: Ovaldo_Zoom & radiantguy (Flickr)
14 Comments:
Thank you for this. Great perspective.
Such a great post dear.
I enjoyed reading this.
I can relate on a certain level. Although our marriage is a first for each of us and we don't plan on getting a divorce, I sometimes feel like the runner up wife when it comes to my husband and his ministry duties (he is a youth group leader plus works full time in his secular job). This was a very good post and I will be back later to copy some of the Scriptures and resources you used if that's ok!
Dear E-mom,
Thanks so much for sharing your heart with us today.
I was deeply moved by this post.
Funny,although you may feel this way, (and I will not discount your feeling), I've only seen you as a winner in my eyes.
I'm so thankful God is in the business of restoration, and from what I understand about this word, it means to mend or make PERFECT.
Sending a big hug your way!!
I had no idea what I was going to write about today in regards to GRACE in marriage. I read your posting from today and I was suddenly inspired from your "runner-up" theme. Thanks for being open and transparent in your post. I appreciated yopur insight as well as your sharing from such an intimate place in your heart!
Hugs today,
Connie
What an insightful piece by that author...My mom was a "runner up wife". And in retrospect, I was a "runner up child"!
I would see pictures of my dad's life with his first family...a young dad with two other little girls and a different pretty wife, and a child, it felt incredibly weird.
Also, I'm sure my mom felt many of those same feelings described by the author.
Anyway, emom, I wish I could have participated today but am kind of side-tracked by election day which looms over us. I did post one last video so come over to see it if you have time!
Hugs,
~Tammy
Very interesting e-mom. Since our marriage is the first for both of us, I had never thought about how someone feels to marry a divorced person.
I'm sorry I meant to e-mail you last night and thank you for your help with Mr. Linky. It still gave me fits. I think my template was just fussy last night. Eventually, however, I got it. Now I'll know what I'm doing next time...hopefully!!
Thanks for the opportunity to host this month. I really enjoyed it!!
what a great post. A few things I hadn't thought of before.
Sorry I didn't get to participate this week the kids were sick on the weekend and I was last night too!
Hey E-mom,
I'm' back, and I just realized this was just an article you read, I completely missed this...duh!!!
Anyhow, I still think YOU are a winner, no matter what!!
Thanks for this great example of grace.
Blessings♥
I understand. I had a gift given to me at 23 years married of the Indian wedding. It was so healing. We met and married 2weeks after the proposal. I only knew him 4 weeks before I became his bride. It was hard seeing his families faces thinking I was less than
You have no idea how this touched my heart. I never heard this side of the story before, and it is mine. This is my first marriage and his second. It took me years to get over the firsts. I robbed myself of such joy because I thought "he's already had a house, or he's already went through pregnancy before." I lost great YEARS with this thinking.
I'm going to have to check out the resources!
e-Mom,
This is excellent and very real. Divorce is rampid in my family. I have been divorced. I think you knew this. I have NEVER thought about how my husband might have grieved "the firsts." I think I will go ask him about those now. Love you so very much.
MiPa: Blessings to you my sweet friend.
Denise: Thank you!
Faith: Ouch! I can imagine you do feel this way sometimes: I sometimes feel like the runner up wife when it comes to my husband and his ministry duties. Yes, please do use some of the resources, at your leisure.
Susan: What would I do without your encouragement and positive strokes? Thank you so much for "being there" for me!
As you later discovered, someone else wrote this piece. However, like you, I was deeply touched by it, and thought it would be powerful to share with our MM group. The comments and private e-mails have born that out. I'm thankful this author was honest enough to share her true feelings with us. Hugs back, and Bless you!!!
Constance: Thanks again for joining us for Marriage Monday. I hope you understand that this piece, "Runner-Up Wife" was actually written by someone else. :~D
Tammy: Thanks for stopping by. I would see pictures of my dad's life with his first family...a young dad with two other little girls and a different pretty wife, and a child, it felt incredibly weird. Wow, I'm sure it did. I felt that way with my step-Mom and Dad. He called her his "bride" and I'd think... hey, wait. What about my Mom (his first wife)?
Robyn: You were a wonderful hostess. So glad it all worked out in the end. :~D
Amydeanne: Sorry for the sickness in your household. See you next month. :~D
Donetta: Beautiful. I think I recall your blog entry about your second wedding.
Surrendered Scribe: Bless you my sweet sister: You have no idea how this touched my heart. I never heard this side of the story before, and it is mine. (((BIG HUGE Hugs)))
Lynn: Bless you for your transparancy, as always. (Divorce is rampant in my family-of-origin too.) I'd really be interested to know how your husband feels. Perhaps a blog post? I love you so much too... and will continue to pray for your DH's salvation. I can almost taste it!
I identify because this is my situation. Part of the issue is the feeling that you have missed out on years of each other's lives as well. However, a divorced man can sometimes bring extra wisdom to a second marriage that helps things run more smoothly!
Post a Comment