The Amazing Man Behind-the-Scenes at Chrysalis
Experts say that 57 percent of married adult children of divorced parents (ACODP) end up splitting up themselves, as compared to 11 percent for the children of married parents. Both e-Dad and I lived through the painful ordeal of our parents’ divorces, and we knew that our chance of survival as a married couple depended on more than good luck.
Since we both lacked what sociologist Dr. Judith Wallerstein calls a healthy "Couple Template," e-Dad and I were willing to open our hearts and minds to learn the necessary skills and do things "by the Book." After nearly thirty years together, we affirm the timeless truth of Ecclesiastes 3:12: "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
10 Marks of a Christian Marriage
Recently, e-Dad agreed to share his thoughts about what makes our marriage Christian.
Your background in psychology and sales is evidence that you’re a friendly, easy-going kind of guy. You’ve also served as a youth leader and a church elder. But we know that your superior social skills weren’t enough to get you and keep you "hitched."
1. Scripture Study
A. Luke 2:4. "So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.”
We celebrate this verse as Christmas, but it is also a celebration of a Godly man doing Godly things. He was willing to stay with and protect Mary when she was the most vulnerable, and when he least understood the situation. He trusted in God to direct him though a very difficult time. He showed what it takes to have a successful marriage and didn’t allow society around him to dictate his decisions. This is even more important today with the likes of Britney Spears and Janet Jackson and pop culture attempting to sway young men and women away from the beauty and security of a loving and lasting marriage.
Another very impactful verse for me is Mark 10:9. “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
It was this verse that awakened me to the fact that God intends for us to stay married throughout our lives. This was rare in my neighborhood growing up, and I had to learn that it was possible and even prescribed by God. When I came to know the Lord at age 19 and committed my life to Him, I had to relearn much that I had been taught (by example if not by discussion).
Since we each come from different circumstances, it is important to have a shared value system before getting married. You demonstrated the values I was looking for. Your interest in Proverbs 31 caused me to study it as well. I learned that it is "OK" for each of us to answer God’s call on our lives in regard to what He wants in our marriage. And of course, I enjoy the promise:
Forever, O LORD, Your word is settled in heaven. Your faithfulness continues throughout all generations; You established the earth, and it stands (Psalm 119:89).
Q. I’ve heard that a couple’s devotion and love for Christ must come before their love for each other. Do you agree or disagree?
A. Each of us has to give 100% to the marriage if we are Christian in a biblical sense. We can’t control the other person. If one or both of the couple claims Christ for their life, Christ is there and will positively influence the whole marriage. It’s very important that a Christian love Christ first and follow closely and faithfully the guidelines set out in Scripture.
3. Change & GrowthQ. Our marriage has changed and grown over the years. Can you describe at least three stages of maturity we’ve passed through?
A. Since you and I come from vastly different social backgrounds, it is proof that it can be done. I come from a poor, secular background and a large family. You come from an upper-middle class family with a father who graduated with a Harvard MBA. Your parents always knew that you and your siblings would go to college. My family was dumb-founded that I was interested in school, and I was the first to graduate from high school and then from college.
Our first stage, of course, was just adjusting to our socio-economic differences. Our families are as different as the families in the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." We both thought that was an hilarious representation of how different our family backgrounds are. Bonding together and recognizing that it is you and me (and our families) that are getting married for as long as we are on this earth, was a sobering thought. I pondered it mightily and decided that I was getting the better deal!
When we started out, we were poor, as a lot of people are, but eventually we had more money coming in than going out. We then set up house and a very big lesson was about to happen. We disposed of all of my college/bachelor furniture and possessions and bought "real furniture" as you called it. I, of course had three favorite colors; brown, brown, and brown. Since you worked at the architectural firm as an Interior Designer, I should have realized my world was about to be rocked. When you brought home paint chips which included over 1,000 variations of white (everything from "vanilla" to "clamshell") I knew then that you would be the one orchestrating our home environment. This was when I first realized that it would be my responsibility to provide for the family and your responsibility to domesticate us.
The next major change was having children. You of course quit your job prior to our first child being born so you could properly care for our children. That meant that we went from dual income with no children to single income with kids. What a shocker that one was! We were fortunate that people in our church were very supportive of mothers willing to sacrifice and stay home with their children. You and I never put money, career, or fame above each other, nor did we much care how society did things or how our families thought we should live our lives. My Mom worked all my growing-up years, and I thought that was one thing that led to the troubles my four siblings got into. Your mother was a "stay-at-home-Mom" (though very active in the community) who raised three professionals.
It has taken over two decades to raise our children. We’ve been focused on their needs (spiritually, emotionally, physically) all this time. We were diligent and didn’t want to wind up in a position where they were dependent on us in adulthood, but rather would be able to care for themselves and for others that God brings into their lives. It appears that we have achieved our goal.
The next major change is the most recent. One of our kids has graduated from college and the other is near completion. They are young adults that I am very proud of, happy to be around, and I know they love the Lord. Our remaining parents are in their declining health and have required much more care in the last couple of years. We of course will continue to care for them as needed, but we are now at a stage of setting course for the next phase of our lives together. "To infinity and beyond . . . !"
4. Similarities to Secular Marriage
Q. Secular marriages and Christian marriages do share some similarities. How are they alike? How are they different?
A. Shared Christian and non-Christian similarities include; both will be very joyful from time to time and both will be disappointed from time to time. Both will have stress from time to time, and both will have hopes, dreams, fears. Many will have children. Both will make poor decisions and good decisions from time to time.
And, as you are fully aware from being married to me, being a Christian doesn’t make a person perfect. But it does give you an arbiter when disagreements arise. "What does scripture say for this situation," and "What would God have us do?" "Who would God have us be?" Why would a non-Christian be concerned with thoughts such as these? How would they even be aware to ask those questions? They wouldn’t of course.
Jesus likens our relationship to Him as a marriage. Totally giving. Secular marriages, and by that I mean non-Christ based, are reliant on the two individuals will power to make things work. Over time, with the cares of life, that will power gets tested.
In secular marriages couples are taught that if things don’t work out, they can get a divorce. Nothing is said of the heart-break and financial ruin that accompany this course of action. Christians are aware that there are very limited exceptions that allow for divorce. "He said to them, 'Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way'" (Matt 19:18). And Malachi 2:16 says, "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel." Life can be tough and it always has its challenges. Christian couples put Christ first in their marriage and make decisions with Him in mind.
5. Mutual Happiness
Q. In your opinion, is there a relationship between a Christian marriage and a happy marriage?
A. We share a lot of laughs and I think that is a healthy part of a marriage. Not that all Christian marriages would make a great Late Night Comedy Routine, but it certainly is fun looking for the funny side of life. Just understanding the differences between the fact that you’re a girl and I’m a boy gives me plenty of material to work with. Not only that, your gifting(s) from the Lord and my gifting(s) from the Lord are different enough to add to plenty of entertainment! I’ve noticed over the years that your sense of timing in humor has certainly improved, while I'm now aware that sometimes it’s better to hold back on my joke until you're ready for it.
Psalm 23:6 "Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."
6. Doctrinal Agreement
Q. How important is it that a husband and wife agree on Christian doctrine? ie. How have we dealt with our denominational differences?
A. I really like the concept of "Unity on the essentials, freedom on the non-essentials, and love overall." I had a nominal exposure to Christianity growing up. Jesus was simply a shepherd who was a "nice guy." You were raised in a church that qualified for 2 Timothy 3:5: "Holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; avoid such men as these."
It's been a challenge to find a church both of us are truly in love with. Yet, we both know it's important to be with other Christians and worship the Lord. While we both got whatever Christian influence we were to get as children from mainline churches, I opt for the more Second Chapter of Acts-oriented church and you for a more traditional setting. There’s a place for both, even though it's hard to find a church that offers both.
7. Listening Skills
Q. What advice would you give to younger husbands about dealing with anger?
A. First, we are to "not let the sun go down on our anger" (Eph 4:26). I remember the first few times I learned that just because you were complaining, it didn’t mean I had done something wrong. Yes, it took a few (OK, quite a few) times to learn that one. Sometimes, you just need to express how you are feeling, even though there is no remedy known to man, other than just listening. Your instructions "don’t take it personally" were very insightful, but were somehow still puzzling.
Anger and frustration can be interesting emotions. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have plenty of times when you were justified in how you felt. It just means that I couldn’t fully comprehend what to do about it. A guy seems to need to "do something" and sometimes, "doing nothing"
(just listening) is the right way to go.
8. Shared Goals
Q. What advice have you given our daughter and son-in-law-to-be about sharing similar life goals?
A. As you know, my first and foremost advice would be to date only other believers. How can an unbeliever fully understand what is required of a Christian? It is infinitely unfair to expect an unbeliever to conform to the Christian lifestyle. That isn’t what they’ve signed up for. We do that voluntarily. We go into the relationship with Christ open-minded, with full knowledge that we are giving ourselves to Him, to be used of Him. Our whole future is predicated on this awareness.
Other advice includes: Ask the questions that Life is all about. Do you want kids? How many? Do you plan on being a SAHM or a "working" mom. How will the family be supported? What kind of church do you want to belong to? Are you missions-oriented or home-meeting oriented? Does further education interest you? How are you at saving money? Do you keep a monthly budget? Are you chaste? Do you have a problem with alchohol, drugs, or gambling? How are we going to spend our "free" time. Are you a city person, suburban, or country? Do you want to live near or far from your birth family? Are you musically-oriented or a teacher? How much TV do you watch? How do you spend your personal free time? What is God calling you to do? Who is God calling you to be? (Just getting warmed up here, but you get the picture.)
It was of great help to me when the two of us went through pre-marital counseling and discussed life issues, our goals, and beliefs. As you recall, we also bought a book on our own that dealt with those questions and we went through it together.
9. Personal Responsibility
Q. Who is responsible to make a marriage successful, the husband or the wife? When there’s an unbelieving husband, what quality must a believing wife earnestly develop?
A. The husband has 100% responsibility to make the marriage successful. Also, the wife has 100% responsibility to make the marriage successful. Hmmm, seemingly this is a contradiction. However, God set it up so that each has full responsibility for the relationship.
It is very difficult on a wife when the husband is an unbeliever. However, she must still follow biblical principles and show him respect, and take 100% responsibility for the marriage, so that if possible she may win her husband to the Lord. 1 Peter 3:1 says, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."
10. Raising Children
Q. What role do children play in a Christian marriage?
A. We were fortunate that God chose to give us children. I think one of the greatest compliments we can receive as parents is when other people talk positively about our kids. Our children are the future and not wanting to raise them twice, we have chosen to make them a priority in our lives. That meant we had to pour our hearts and souls into raising our kids in a Godly fashion.
When we looked at the negative influences of the public school system in our city, we decided that after 6th grade, we either needed to home school or send them to private Christian school. In our situation, we were able to choose private school, but homeschooling is also a worthy alternative. For anyone who wants to know how to change the world, the old adage still applies, “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle Rules the World.” For Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Thank you, e-Dad for your wise and wonderful remarks! Hugs 'n kisses, e-Mom
Related
"Adult Children of Divorce: Healing the Divorce Wound"
Up Next—Family Life: Unexpectedly Expecting
Can you recommend any good books on developing spiritual intimacy with your spouse?
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Welcome to Marriage Monday
If you’re new here today, please make yourself at home. You may have turned up unexpectedly, so let me introduce myself. My name is e-Mom [hello]. Welcome to my weblog, Chrysalis! We live in the Pacific Northwest (USA), I drink extra-foamy gingerbread lattes, and books are my passion—after Jesus Christ of course.
Today’s Topic
Marriage Monday meets here the first Monday of every month. By popular vote, "What Makes a Marriage Christian?" is our topic today. Please jump in! Write your heart out and then link up here at Chrysalis. (Scroll down for Mister Linky.) Make sure you leave a PERMALINK by Friday Dec. 7, 2007.
Songs of Solomon Perfume Giveaway
Awesome! e-Dad has offered to throw in his denarii for a flask of irresistible Songs of Solomon Perfume. Anyone who writes on this topic and leaves a link here will be entered into our drawing. Created with essences characteristic of the Bible, this floral fragrance comes in bottles inspired by artifacts found at archaeological sites in the Holy Land. The winner will be announced on Mon. Dec. 10, 2007.
(Value: $18.00)
Vote For Next Month’s Topic
Please vote in the poll in my sidebar. We'll meet again for Marriage Monday on Jan. 7, 2008. Select one:
• Is Divorce Ever Right?
• Why I’ve Chosen/Not Chosen to be a SAHM
• Men!?*%! Please Explain…
• Three Things My Daughter Must Know About Her
Marital Needs
• Marriage: For Happiness or Holiness?
Marriage Monday Blogroll
You're invited to join the Marriage Monday blogroll. If you would like to be part of a growing community of married Christian women, please follow the steps posted here.
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30 Comments:
What a wonderful post, very enlightening. Thanks to you both!
Wow, your husbands thoughts and his love for following the Lord's teachings has been refreshing. I say thank you to e-Dad and....
I hope I win the perfume!!!
Great post, full of lots of good thoughts. Say thanks to e-Dad.
You always get me thinking and digging into the scriptures.
It was nice to read what your husband has to say.
Love Ya,
Lori
How fun to give us a taste of e-Dad! I love the glimpse into your lives. Thanks.
What a great idea to interview your husband. I had no idea where to start on this one because it was so broad. I'm excited to see everyone else's take on this great subject. Thanks for hosting!!
Good read. I recomend John Eldredge's "waking the dead" and Captivating. Good reads for anyone but very helpful relationally.
Thanks for your link info have a great day!
WOW - that was awsome!! Tell your man he did a GREAT job. I have to think through this and I'll be back to post - but I am going to copy your post if you don;t mind and keep it in my journal. I just loved some of your thoughts.
You (both) bless me!
Emom, this post was JUST WONDERFUL!
Please thank your sweet husband for an incredible interview!!
I absolutely loved reading this.
I'm sorry I didn't participate this time...but hope to next time!
I forget exactly where you live, but are you having this same wind and rain storm today? If so, stay warm and dry! :)
E-Mom and e-Dad, awesome interview. There is such wisdom and truth in your words. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I was touched and encouraged.
Wonderful!
http://unequalmarriage.typepad.com/
What a wonderful interview with eDad. Very insightful.
Marriage Under Cover by bob and audrey meisner has been the best book (other than the Bible) that helped my hubby and i as we almost were divorced at one point in our marriage. coming from a divorced family i can relate very well to the topic. Thanks for posting it and what a blessing for e-dad to post this for everyone!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your husbands thoughts. What a godly man he sounds like! You are blessed! Your posts are always so spiritually edifying!
Thanks for stopping by our new blog :) Glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the link to this article.
Heather
Great post. How sweet to hear e-dad's perspective.
Lifting a prayer for your marriage.
Blessings,
Angela
Hi E-Mom,
I did it! I didn't think I would have time today, but I just couldn't get it off my mind.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
Thanks for always spurring us on to be Godly wives and mothers.
Susan
PS Thanks E-Dad for your thoughts.
hey emom! i too enjoyed reading edads perspective. i have this picture in my mind of what your family looks like. you, edad and all the ekids.....i wonder if i'm right. or even close. :)
Such wisdom from e-Dad. What a great couple you make!
E dad is cool too. Thanks for this post!
Thanks for stopping by. I Would love to hear some of the specific passages you were talking about. Oh! And I actually already read Lynn's blog! How funny huh?
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. As The rector of our church talks about the difference between loving the one you marry and being in love with the one you marry. The former is a commitment; the latter, a phase.
My husband and I are companions on the road, and our daughter sees that. Sadly, she also sees divorced relationships in our family and feels the effects of that anger that has taken on a life of its own and strangled friendship.
All these lessons begin when life begins--for each of us.
God bless.
Wendell, Connie Marie, DebD, Lori, Tami, Robyn, Donetta, Living Beyond, Tammy, Lynn, Jan, Faith, Heather, Angela, Susan, Ruth, Rachelle, Tara, & Sandy: Thank you for contributing to this meme today, and for all of your kind words. Those of you who posted on the topic did an amazing job! I'm looking forward to next month already. I'll post the topic as soon as the votes are all in.
Amydeanne: Thanks for the book recommendation! I'll check into it.
Jia: Those Bible passages will be coming your way soon. :~D
I really enjoyed this post. It's always enlightening to "get into" the brain of a man . . . Have a great week, E-mom!
Kimmy: Hey, thanks for stopping by! Blessings and you have a great week too. :~D
This was a great post to read. Thanks, E-DAD!
I have to admit to some frustration in trying to get mine up. For some reason the way I wrote it and it shows up in my editor is not the way it is showing up once it is posted. A definite pet peeve of mine, but I can't take any more time trying to figure out how to solve the problem. If someone looks mine over and knows how to prevent this problem, please let me know!
AWESOME post!! Thanks, e-Dad for your wisdom, and e-Mom, you just know how to ask all the right questions! One of these times I'll do a Marriage Monday post...probably after the holidays, I'm completely swamped! Blessings to you!
diaryof1.com
Jessie: Thanks for persevering. Your post was readable anyway. Hugs.
Jennifer: Thanks for stopping by, my friend. Yes, busy times! I hope you'll join MM in January. :~D
E-mom, this is one of my favorite posts of yours; what a formidable team you and e-dad make! Your questions, his answers, are a BEAUTIFUL testimony to the work and grace of God in both your lives...I agree with much of the sentiment here--wisdom abounds.
This section: "Your instructions "don’t take it personally" were very insightful, but were somehow still puzzling. Anger and frustration can be interesting emotions. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have plenty of times when you were justified in how you felt. It just means that I couldn’t fully comprehend what to do about it. A guy seems to need to "do something" and sometimes, "doing nothing"
(just listening) is the right way to go."
is among my favorite part of this interview :).
And laughter...I've already begun advising my children that they have to choose a mate with whom they can LAUGH!
YOU should win the perfume. ;)
And...like your not having time to get in a Pensieve's Poetic License entry, I haven't MADE the time to write for MM....but that doesn't mean I'm not planning to NEXT time. GREAT column and it's just one more reason I really, truly appreciate your e-zine.
{{hugs}}
Robin @ PENSIEVE
Robin:Thanks for taking the time to wade through our interview. We do consider each other our "best friend" and we often stay up until all hours talking (still!) We feel like newlyweds, now that our nest is empty. And yes, we do laugh and joke around a lot! (I agree, spouses should be able to tease and have fun.) :~D
Have we had our crises? Yes, but by the grace of God we made it through. It was during those challenging and painful times that we began to understand how different the two genders really are.
eg. When it comes to STRESS, e-Dad wants to go hide in his "cave" to solve the problem. I of course, want to talk, talk, talk. Eventually we figured out that it's OK for me TO talk, and for him NOT to talk. Turns out to be the perfect combo, because during stressful times, what I really want is a sympathetic listening ear--not a conversation!
Yoo too schweeet. Maybe I'll ask e-Dad to order me a bottle of perfume for Christmas, thanx!
I think we're both doing our thang as far as the memes go... I love your poetry idea... I just can't get that creative side of my brain in gear when I'm writing/editing more "factual" content. Oh well.
I'd love to have you participate in MM next month, but don't feel pressured. If it works for you, great!
Thanks once again for your support of ye old e-zine Chrysalis. I'm going to try to go "lite" during December... I don't think anybody wants to think too hard over the holidays!
{{{Big hugs back to you, Robin}}}
:)
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