Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Col 3:12-13 NIV)
What’s Your Stepfamily's Style?
(Please check one)
___Blender This mentality assumes all ingredients can be whipped together into one smooth mixture. I’m sure you’re aware that the most common term used to refer to the stepfamily is "blended family…" When cooking, blending is a process by which you combine ingredients into one fluid mixture: think of a fruit smoothie or a cream soup. Rarely can it be said that a stepfamily becomes ‘one’ in a relational sense. More realistic is a process by which the various parts integrate, or come into contact with one another, much like a casserole of distinct parts…
___Food ProcessorThese stepfamilies chop up one another's history and attempt to instantly combine all ingredients with rapid speed. When love doesn't occur right away, people are left feeling torn to pieces; no one remains whole.
A classic example of this mentality is the adult who demands that the stepchildren call their stepparent "daddy" or "mommy." It is as if the child is told, "We've chopped up your real dad and thrown him to the side. This is your new dad." Some parents actually think their children will buy that.”
___MicrowaveThese families refuse to be defined as a stepfamily and seek to heat the ingredients in rapid fashion so as to become a ‘nuke-lier’ family (pun intended). They avoid labels like stepfamily and the implication that they are different from any other family…
A major barrier to healthy stepfamily adjustment is a parenting team that denies this reality. Consciously or unconsciously, people often try to make their home to be just like their family of origin or their first family—only better. "After all," someone might say, "the Brady Bunch did it. Why can't we?..." More is here…
___Pressure CookerThis family cooking style results in ingredients and spices (that is, rituals, values, and preferences) being put under pressure to meld together completely. The family is under great duress, and since expectations are so high, the lid often blows off the pot.
An example of the pressure cooker mentality is when stepfamilies assume that the answer to every conflict in holiday ritual is to combine the traditions. It’s important that stepfamilies understand that combining rituals works sometimes, but pressuring people to be okay with the combination can sabotage the results…
___Tossed Like a salad, this style throws each ingredient into the air with no consideration as to where it might fall. The ingredients keep some of their integrity, yet are expected to fit together with the other pieces. Examples of this style can be subtle or extreme.
When one child is spending time at their other home, remaining children often believe they can play with the absent child's toys or belongings. Children should be taught that even though someone is temporarily away from one home, the absentee's stuff is not free game. Respecting one another's possessions is important because it teaches people to honor others; it also communicates belonging to the child who is spending time at the other home. "You may be at your dad's house, but you still have a place here."
Culinary Insights
So if all of these integration styles are generally not helpful, what style should be used? I recommend a Crockpot cooking style. Stepfamilies choosing this style understand that time and low heat make for an effective combination.
Ingredients are thrown together in the same pot, but each is left intact, giving affirmation to its unique origin and characteristics. Slowly and with much intention, the low-level heat brings the ingredients into contact with one another. As the juices begin to flow together, imperfections are purified, and the beneficial, desirable qualities of each ingredient are added to the taste. The result is a dish of delectable flavor made up of different ingredients that give of themselves to produce a wondrous creation.
I recommend a Crockpot cooking style. Stepfamilies choosing this style understand that time and low heat make for an effective combination.
The key to Crockpot stepfamilies is time and low heat. I've already stressed the importance of being patient with the integration process and not trying to force love, care, or togetherness. Often, in an attempt to quickly combine various ingredients such as people, rituals, and backgrounds, stepfamilies use the food processor, microwave, pressure cooker, and blender integration styles. Such an effort almost always backfires, bringing a backlash of anger and resentment. Read more here.
A Watched Pot Never Boils
This last idea refers to mini-family activities. Early in a stepfamily's integration process it can be helpful to maintain separate family traditions and rituals by giving parents permission to spend time with their children without the step relations present. Stepparents need to give their new spouse and stepchildren time to be alone, without intrusion. The biological parent can play games with her children, while the stepparent enjoys a personal hobby or goes shopping with his children. Such a mini-family activity helps children get uninterrupted time with their biological parent and siblings, honoring their need for attention from the ones they love most. It also affirms to children that they have not completely lost access to their parent... More excellent insights are here…
Early in a stepfamily's integration process it can be helpful to maintain separate family traditions and rituals by giving parents permission to spend time with their children without the step relations present.
Unrealistic expectations often set couples up to overcook their stepfamily. Trying to force, pressure, or quickly cook the ingredients of your home will likely result in a spoiled dish. But stepping down your expectations and giving your stepfamily time to cook slowly will make integration more likely in the long run.
SuccessfulStepfamilies.com
These excerpts have been quoted from Ron L. Deal’s article, “How to Cook a Stepfamily.” Ron L. Deal, LMFT, LPC is President of Successful Stepfamilies, and is author of The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.TroubledWith.com
Additional resources and help for dealing with stepfamily issues is at TroubledWith.com, a ministry of Focus on the Family. Linky Love: Seeking Christian fellowship with other step-parents? Kimmy blogs about her life as a step-Mum at Mission: Kim Possible!
You probably know at least one stepfamily. In your opinion, is it working well?Photo Credits: reesie, Littlerissa, Fuller, gak, fllaw,BukiSukmana, _e.t. (Flickr)
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12 Comments:
I wish my sister could read English a lot better--I would send her this links. I think she is putting her children in a pressure-cooker right now *sigh*...
I might still send my sister the links :)
Thank you for the wonderful article.
Be blessed today and always.
E-mom, this was very interesting to read. And thanks for the link to my blog. I'm not sure where we currently fit in the stepfamily recipe. I think from what I read in your post, we've tried almost all types of "cooking" over the past 10 years. As you know, my experience is somewhat unique in the fact that most stepmothers don't face RAD kids when they take on the task of step-parenting. Besides the whole "adjustment" stage and figuring out what our roles have each been over the years, we've also had to battle the emotional strains of the RAD behaviors. I truly hope your post will help stepfamilies evaluate where they're at and how to improve their homelife (if necessary). Once again, great post!
E-mom, wonderful post. I think so many people are blissfully ignorant of how hard it can really be to make a stepfamily work. Personally, I grew up in one (my mom remarried when I was 6) and it never, never worked at all. I wish people had been more willing & able to talk about it back then, and to get help learning how to make it work! Thanks for this eye-opening look.
a very interesting post! I think I need to stew on it! hehe. I know of my own family so it's hard to say exactly. I can feel a bit of everything in there from each mix.
Whoa...what an interesting read! Well, we diffinately were NOT the Brady Bunch. Probably a high stress combination of several styles. Thankfully, the Lord is faithful AND gracious. We are all still friends and continue to grow.
My mom once told me that this was one of the very reasons that she never remarried after her and my father divorced - she didn't want us kids to have to deal with a 'step-father' or 'step-siblings'........we're talking like 30 years ago. She never even dated.
Us kids meant more to her than her own 'happiness'.
Now that we're all grown, she has remained content with her lifstyle!
You know what? Interesting that I've never looked at it all like this before, until I just now typed it out.
Hmmmm.......
Thanks friend.
Gentle Readers: I want you to know, I come from a stepfamily situation too. My father remarried when I was in my early twenties, so I have dealt with the dynamics of a blended family all my adult life... still a challenge at times, but I have become good friends with my step-siblings. Yet, I understand how difficult it can be for everyone. Be encouraged!
eph2810: How sad! I didn't realize your sister was in a stepfamily situation. Maybe you could google translate this article for her. If you're interested, go here. {{{Hugs}}}
kimmy: I know your stepfamily situation is unique and challenging. You seem to be handling it all with aplomb. I know you've found helpful resources and a measure of peace about it. I hope your blog journal has given you a safe place to "vent." Blessings, Kimmy.
rachelle: I didn't realize you had been part of a stepfamily. I'm sure some of your hardest challenges in life are a direct result of being an ACODP. Praise God you found Him, and his unconditional love and acceptance. I'm convinced there's no other way around the difficult issue of divorce and remarriage except through Christ. Keep on truckin' sister!
amydeanne: Sure, go ahead and "stew" on it! (lol). How's that new baby of yours? :~)
diane: So nice to meet you! I'm pleased that you found this article useful. I'm glad you're still friends with your step-siblings and continue to grow.
kristy: How interesting (and wise) that your Mom never remarried after your parents' divorce. She had tremendous fortitude (and faith?) I've never heard of that before. I'm glad this post helped you to sort out your thoughts my friend! :~)
My parents didn't divorce and remarry until I was 28 and we have been through quite the chop and toss and cook and stew as my parents and steps try to make us fit into the equation. I still don't know what to call my steps since my dad's wife is between my age and his and not really old enough to be my mom. My mom constantly tries to blend us together, even though we are grown and have our own families and honestly have nothing in common with one another. I am still finding the whole thing awkward though we are gradually learning what works (like my stepdad realizing that he can't just show up and do work around our house or tell me to tell my husband to--it's not his place or mine. Just because he doesn't understand how our household works doesn't give him the right to step in and "fix it"--this has been a hard lesson for all of us and he is still learning.)
[Sorry - couldn't find your email address, so I have to post this here...
Thanks for your comments today. I need these tips! I wasn't familiar with Smith and Hawken, and this is definitely what I'm looking for. I need a splash of color to fill new empty walls in our new place.
Thanks too for the tips about gifts - that's a great idea.
I'll keep the stories coming, especially when we start logging some. ;)
And I'll keep visiting you too!
Laura
Hmmm, I never really thought about it this way, but I did have a stepmom; it was different, I think, because there was no blended family (my mom died, as you know and my dad's wife was young, no kids...). The thing is, my dad divorced my stepmom; theirs was ALWAYS a turbulent marriage. Let's just say, although she loved her the only way she knew how, I would never have chosen her for a friend... We've had to live with the consequences of my father's decisions from that point forward.
All I can figure, is that God had purpose and intent in bringing someone into our lives that we would never have chosen ourselves. Difficult circumstances (dealing with personalities) have done much to break me at times and shape me...often a painful, slow process.
This is an interesting but wonderful post. I know several step-families. Its a shame there are such a thing...but there are more and more becoming step families all the time. The one that is nearest to my heart is so sad. The oldest son is a step-child and he seems so sad at home. His younger sibling gets more attention from both parents (can you believe that?) and he said to me recently that it is okay...he's used to it. That broke my heart. This little boy is 7 years old and has a almost 2 yr. old sibling and one on the way. I'm afraid things will only get worse once the newest one arrives.
heather: The uninformed erroneously think that divorce and stepfamily relationships don't affect adult children. But in fact, the stresses and issues are the same. Even though you were 28, you still had the same adjustments to make as a much younger child... although from a place of greater maturity. It's a challenge all around.
I'm intrigued that your stepdad tries to manage your yardwork... sounds like a true Mr. Fix-it type of guy. I know he thinks he's just trying to be helpful, but many times that giving attitude backfires and comes across as controlling. As women, we love Mr. Fix-it, but in small doses, right? {{{Hugs}}}
laura: For privacy reasons, I don't publish my e-mail address on my blog, so it's OK to comment "off-topic." Glad you could use the Smith & Hawken link. I'm really looking forward to reading about your overseas adventures!
robin: I forgot that your Dad divorced your step-Mom. I imagine you bonded to her much like an adoptive child might bond to her non-birth Mom. I'm sure it was painful for you to see them split, even though there were no step-siblings to complicate things.
You have a wonderful attitude toward those we don't choose in our lives! I've learned that my family is probably the hardest place to love, simply because I didn't choose those people. Actually, I see my family as a ready-made ministry and character-builder. Sounds like you do too! :~)
julie: Yes, stepfamilies aren't going to go away anytime soon. I think people can heal from the repercussions of divorce and remarriage, but only through the love of Christ. Your story of the 7-year-old is so sad. Sensitive and aware people like you can be an advocate for children like him. I pray you follow the Lord's lead, and DO something positive in his young life! {{{Hugs}}}
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