Q & A With Dr. James Dobson
Q. What do you consider to be the greatest threat to the stability families today?
A. It would be the phenomenon that every marriage counselor deals with regularly. The scenario involves a vulnerable woman who depends on her husband to meet her emotional needs and a workaholic man who has little time for family responsibilities. Year after year she reaches for him and finds he's not there. She nags, complains, cries and attack him for his failures—to no avail. He's carrying the load of three men in his business or profession and can't figure out how to keep that enterprise going while providing what his wife needs.
The scenario involves a vulnerable woman who depends on her husband to meet her emotional needs and a workaholic man who has little time for family responsibilities.
As time goes by, she becomes increasingly angry, which drives him even further into his workaday world. He is respected and successful there. And thereafter he is even less accessible to her. Then one day, to her husband's shock, this woman reaches a breaking point and either leaves him for someone else or files for divorce. It is a decision she may live to regret and one that often devastates her children—although by then the marriage is long gone. It is such a preventable disaster, but one that thousands of other families will be victimized by in coming months.
This excerpt has been quoted from Focus on the Family's newsletter, "Solid Answers For Today's Families."
Q. If you had to indicate the one factor that has done more damage to families than any other, what would it be?
A. It would be the almost universal condition of fatigue and time pressure, which leaves every member of the family exhausted and harried. Many of them have nothing left to invest in their marriages or in the nurturing of children. Fifty-nine percent of boys and girls come home to empty houses every afternoon, during which anything can happen.
I believe the two-career family during the child rearing years creates a level of stress that is tearing people apart.
This hurried lifestyle puts great pressure on women. Many of them are trapped in a chaotic world that constantly threatens to overwhelm them. Some of these young women grew up in busy, dysfunctional, career-oriented households, and they want something better for their kids. And yet financial pressures and the expectations of others keep them on a treadmill that renders them unable to cope. I have never said this publicly what I will share now—and I will be criticized for saying so in this context—but I believe the two-career family during the child rearing years creates a level of stress that is tearing people apart. And it often deprives children of something that they will search for the rest of their lives.
If a scale-back from this lifestyle, which I call "routine panic," ever grows into a movement, it will portend wonderfully for the family. It should result in fewer divorces and more domestic harmony. Children will regained the status they deserve and their welfare will be enhanced on a thousand fronts. We haven't begun to approach these goals yet, but I pray that a significant segment of the population will awaken someday from the nightmare of overcommitment and say, "The way we live is crazy. There has to be a better way than this to raise our kids. We will make the financial sacrifices necessary to slow the pace of living."
Q. What do the Census [2000] results mean for our society, in practical terms?
A. First they mean that the institution of the family is unraveling at a faster pace than ever. They also indicate that the old taboos against divorce and cohabitation are disappearing, and that the culture is abandoning its commitment to lifelong marriage. About half of the children today will spend at least part of their childhood in single-parent homes, and that number is rising steadily. That scenario has breathtaking implications. Imagine a world where most children will have several "moms" and "dads," perhaps six or eight "grandparents," and dozens of half-siblings. Little boys and girls will be shuffled to and fro in an ever-changing pattern of living arrangements. It doesn't take a child psychologist to realize that this type of environment will be, and already is, devastating to children.
Q. Is the Christian family immune from these trends?
A. I wish it were, but recent evidence indicates otherwise. The divorce rate is actually higher by a small margin among born-again Christians that for those who profess no faith at all. This may be the most distressing of all the recent disclosures because of the spiritual consequences for children. The traditional family is the most effective instrument ever designed to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. The vast majority of believers come to Christ when they are children, under the influence of their parents. If that institution breaks down, however, the faith of generations to come will be in jeopardy. The traditional family is the most effective instrument ever designed to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ.
That has already occurred in Western Europe and in other pagan countries. Pollster George Barna reveals that if a child hasn't been introduced to Jesus Christ by the time he or she is 14, there is only a 4 percent chance that such conversion will happen between ages 14 and 18, and a 6 percent chance that it will occur in the remainder of life. It comes down to this indisputable fact: The family is critical to the propogation of the faith.
These excerpts have been quoted from an article in Focus on The Family's magazine entitled, "The Family in Crisis" (August 2001). A similar message is presented in Focus on The Family's newsletter, "The Future of the Family."
Related
1. If you're looking for some fresh inspiration to keep your marriage humming along happily, stop by "Marriage Monday" at Christine's award-winning blog, Fruit in Season. If you post on the topic of marriage, you can also link your piece to her post using Auto-Linkies. 2. For The Secular Perspective: Forbes.com presents two "point/counterpoint" articles, "Don't Marry a Career Woman and "Don't Marry a Lazy Man." Both are worth your time.
3. Holly at Seeking Faithfulness discusses the sobering realities surrounding the lives of pastors in her post, "Death by Ministry." Please remember to support those in ministry around you! Here are a few creative ways to support your pastor's wife.
Do agree or disagree with Dr. Dobson's remarks?
Photo Credits: Le Chef, dlemieux, carf (Flickr)
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Do agree or disagree with Dr. Dobson's remarks? Photo Credits: Le Chef, dlemieux, carf (Flickr)
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13 Comments:
I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Dobson. The two career family IS stressful. What I can't decide is if women with children pursue it for financial reasons or validation. I have been without a "real" job for nearly seventeen years and I still struggle through the question, "What do you do?" It is very humbling to put aside your own desires to meet the needs of your family, and unfortunately, not always viewed in a positive light.
Well said, Tami. Yes, our culture looks at what I do with disgust - and yet being and doing my God given roll brings so much joy and contentment to my life - I wouldn't trade any of it.
Do we as women truly realize just how important we are to our home and our family? Yet, the enemy will have you thinking that you should be out there pursuing all sorts of other 'things'......
Another great post, e-mom!
Our posts have a little different flavor yet very much the same. I once had the problem of having my work be more important then my family. I was over a group of people in an Accounts Payable department at a Parts Warehouse before my twins were born. I was so into my work. It came first in my life and everything and everyone else came second. God had a way of stopping me dead in my tracks when He blessed me with twins boy's and than 2 years latter when doctor said we could have no more children due to my husband Brain tumor, along came Bo. I now do jobs that I can take care of my family and still bring home some money to help my family.
Great post for those Workaholics, I know, I was one of them.
Blessings,
Lori
I agree too. Since moving to a big city our busyness has increased just by way of travel time alone. Traffic everywhere! The teen years (what we're in now) are absolutely mind numbingly busy.
Thanks for the thought filled post. I will start working part time next week and needed to hear this so I can really guard our time.
I agree with Dobson, of course. I am so thankful that I can stay at home with my children, especially since we live in a very expensive county. I hope that there is a trend toward women staying home with their children for as long as they can. I think it's just as important when they are small as well as when they are teenagers, if not more important.
E-mom: Yes, I agree with Dobson on this. As a woman who has been blessed with the ability to stay-at-home for the majority of my life as a mother, I really needed to read this. Of course in my heart I know that it's best for me to stay at home if possible . . . but it's meant a lot of sacrifices on my husbands and my part. By that I mean we don't have as much "stuff" as the Jones'. That usually doesn't bother me, but sometimes it does; then I get into modes where I feel the sacrifices are too much and that I should return to work. However, when I read articles like you just posted, it confirms for me that we've made the right decision. I'm grateful for the time I've got with my kids.
What a great article! Thanks for posting that. I'm saddened that 59% of boys and girls come home to an empty house. That blows me away.
I think my hubby and I are the only ones still married to the 'original' partner at his work-place. I think that is so sad. I remember when Daniel was in Elementary school, kids were astonished that he still had his biological parents being married to each other.
Thank you for the wonderful article.
Blessings to you and yours.
tami: I believe you've made the right choice, even though you struggle to answer that ubiquitous "what do you do?" question. The truth be known, there are a lot of women who work who would LOVE to stay home. What I can't decide is if women with children pursue it for financial reasons or validation. I think the answer is BOTH, depending on the woman. Blessings!
kristy: ...the enemy will have you thinking that you should be out there pursuing all sorts of other 'things'. How very true! I'm so glad you find joy and contentment in your role as homemaker. PTL!
lori: I once had the problem of having my work be more important then my family. Thanks for your honesty! Did you say your husband had a brain tumor, and then Bo came along (unexpectedly)? Wow, God sure got your attention. I assume your husband has recovered? I'm impressed by your (Prov. 31 woman) industriousness, and the earnings that you bring in, even while you're doing a super job as Mom and Grandma. :~)
crickl's nest: I'm sure by now, you have a good feeling for what you can and cannot take on job-wise. Congratulations on your part-time job... education, right? That would be the perfect field for you. :~)
andrea: You are fortunate to be able to stay home (as I was.) I totally agree with you here: I think it's just as important when they are small as well as when they are teenagers, if not more important. Blessings!
kimmy: I hear you on this: By that I mean we don't have as much "stuff" as the Jones'. That usually doesn't bother me, but sometimes it does; then I get into modes where I feel the sacrifices are too much and that I should return to work. We made numerous sacrifices too... and it was hard. But looking back, now that my kids have just flown the nest, I wouldn't have done it any differently. I did find many ways to supplement our income, from hosting foreign students, to running private art classes. I think we can look at the Prov. 31 woman and see a very industrious business lady, whose focus was working AT HOME. With a little creativity, it can be done. Another thing to keep in mind is that gradually, over the years, my husband's income increased (along with his skills). So now we live quite comfortably--it's a growth process. BTW, I'm glad you got your computer running again!
terri: I agree, it is so sad that numerous children come home to an empty house. It's lonely to be "home alone" even as an adult! :~)
eph2810: Your comment is amazing! How sad that Daniel was the only one still living with his two biological parents. Our kids went to Christian school, and there was divorce there too... although perhaps not to such an extreme. As far as I'm concerned, divorce is deadly to all involved. I saw my parents divorce, and my Mom never recovered from the trauma.
Blessings back to you and yours! :~)
Wow...this sort of hit me between the eyes this morning. We're a Christian family, and on one income...yet, the description was all too familiar...the husband working so much to provide, and sometimes seeming distant to the needy wife...ouch. My husband and I love each other very much, but I know the enemy uses this tactic to try to drive wedges between us at times.
This was in a way helpful, though, to know we're not alone in this battle...and a awesome reminder of how important maintaining a healthy marriage is not only for our children, but for so many spiritual reasons.
Wonderful post and interview!
Did you say your husband had a brain tumor, and then Bo came along (unexpectedly)?
In answer to your question:
My husband had become very sick when my oldest son was a senior in High School, the twins were 8 months old at the time. He was getting very bad headaches in which the doctor's claimed at the time was migraine headaches. The summer my son went into the Navy we took a family vaction right before Bret left. My husband was sick and in bed the whole time we were gone. When we got back he had one really bad headache and he lost his eye sight in his right eye. (It never came back) They finally gave him am MRI and found out he had a Prolactinoma, other wise known as a
Pituitary tumors. It was the size of a golf ball. He had surgery to try to remove the tumor but it is wrapped around his pituitary glad. He will be on medication for the rest of his life to keep the tumor under control so he doesn't go blind. To make a long story short that is a little about his brain tumor. The doctor's tried to take him off medication but the tumor started growing again.
His spirits are always up and looks at this as a blessing from God.
He doesn't feel sorry for himself nor does he ever say why me.
The doctor's told us we my husband could not have anymore children because of the brain tumor. We call Bo are miracle baby. I couldn't imagine my life without that sweet little boy. He looks and acts just like my husband. I guess that is the reason my husband feels like he is a blessed man not a cursed one.
tammy: I would suspect that every wife (and husband) can relate in some way to this scenario. As Dobson said, "it's a phenomenon that every marriage counselor deals with regularly." My husband and I struggled in this area too, especially during some very difficult years we had in our business. Although it was a painful time for us, the Lord used it to teach us so much about our gender differences, about our differing needs and priorities, and about Himself. Once we got on board, and understood how God set up marriage, we were off and running. We've actually learned to enjoy our differences.
I know you two are avid learners, and conference attendees, so I'm sure you have a good Biblical foundation. There's always more to learn and apply, so keep at it! We're still learning and practicing too, and we try to be available to teach others as well.
(((Hugs!)))
lori: Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Wow, I had no idea. You have an amazingly positive attitude about life in general, and a such deep faith and now I understand why. You've suffered much, and survived, even thrived. I pray that you continue to rely on Him for everything, to remain positve through the ups and downs, and to let your hope spill out into others' lives. You are a remarkable woman of God, and I praise God for YOU! :~)
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