Congenial conversation—what a pleasure! The right word at the right time—beautiful! (Proverbs 15:23 MSG)
Fresh Ideas For Christian Wives
We were blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon. Then came day five—we had our first argument. That put us on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage.
One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, "What's for dinner?" She would hear, "I can't believe you haven't prepared dinner again tonight?" She would say, "What time are you coming home?" I would hear, "You better get here and help me because you're never here."
We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words... Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt and hurting that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well... Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart.
1. The Principle of First Response
The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.
You may feel it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.
The implications of following Jesus' example were huge. My wife's sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Gina free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it.
2. The Principle of Physical Touch
It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching them.
This is a difficult principle to apply after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension. You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it's a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it's your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations.
During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Gina's legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.)
It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching them.
This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track.
Here is the rest of this helpful article "Five Communication Tools That Saved My Marriage" by Rob Flood and published in FamilyLife's online magazine, The Family Room. The author also covers these concepts: The Principle of Proper Timing, The Principle of Mirroring, and The Principle of Prayer. This thoughtful piece is well-worth your time.
Linky Love: Outrageous Photos
Hey, check out the photos of these outrageous Christian couples! Go see Iris (Sting My Heart), Tammy (Family Doin's), and "smooching" Shash (Shasher's Stories).
Have you ever posted a photo of the two of you on your blog? If so, please leave me link so I can visit and comment!Photo Credits: relventear, eggybird, beigeinside, (Flickr)
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18 Comments:
Never thought about physical touch can stop fighting...You know, we have fought (argued) 5 times in the past 24 years of marriage...Communications are very important. Especially the first response. I usually ask now to please clarify what my Sweetheart meant.
Thank you for linking -- I hope next year at our 25th anniversary to have a new picture of us *grin*...
How true that it is the responder who allows the fight to happen. My parents are a good example of this. My mom was raised in a rough house and my dad is a man of peace. He refused to fight, and my mom soon realized that her loud words and slammed doors got her nowhere. She is really an amazing person to have turned out the wonderful person she is after her upbringing. Of course, after marrying at 17, half of her upbringing was after she said, "I do."
This is some awesome information. Great job as always!
Living for the simple things in life: Anniversary Ideas
Some very helpful tips here E-mom. A gentle response nearly always diffuses anger...I just wish I would always remember that! :)
What a great article. Thanks for sharing it. You always have good stuff to read! DH and I don't argue very often, but I do weigh the benefit or toll it will take before I respond sometimes. That helps a lot. (I think that's the old 'think before you speak' rule. lol)
I haven't, but I should probably find one.. not b/c I don't like them, but being the photographer that I am, it's hard to find them lol!
What a great post!
I wish I could say I have posted a picture of my hubby and me. Unfortunately I can't get any good pictures of us together. If it's good of me then his eyes are closed...if his eyes are open and he takes a good picture then something is wrong on my side. I'll have to get a picture of us and post it just for you Sis!! I'll let you know when I do.
eph2810: You've only argued 5 times in 24 years of marriage? Wow. That's amazing. You are a wonderful peacemaker/peacekeeper. :~)
I'd love to see a photo of the two of you celebrating 25 years of your marriage. For our 25th, I made a special book (published) of photos of the two of us with all of our special "in" jokes included as captions. He said it was the nicest gift he had ever received. :~)
laurie: Yes, in any "fight" the responder has the opportunity to be pro-active, by reversing the negative direction of the conversation. Fortunately, our disagreements are very short these days. I wish I'd known some of these concepts earlier in our marriage. :~)
Isn't it interesting that your Mom was raised largely after she said "I do." Your father can take a lot of credit for how well she turned out!
lori Thanks for leaving a link to your wedding photo! Now I remember seeing that beautiful shot when I read your blog, and I'm sorry I didn't link to it in my post. Happy anniversary once again. (((Hugs)))
sarah: Yes, hugs work wonders, especially for women. My husband is good about taking my hand in a conflict.
crickl: You have excellent self-control! I try to weigh my husband's mood and stress level before I speak from my emotions. Like all men, he has a sensitive ego, and if I'm upset, often he feels like a failure. I try to approach him as the solution to the problem, rather than as the problem itself. Makes a big difference! Glad you enjoyed this post!
amydeanne: I hope you find one! I love "romantic" photos. :~)
sis julie: Lol, I hear you! If it's good of me then his eyes are closed...if his eyes are open and he takes a good picture then something is wrong on my side. We don't have very many photos of the two of us, because usually one of us is behind the camera. (We have lots of our kids though.) Thanks, I'd love it if you could post a photo of the two of you!
Oh, I loved this! I had heard somewhere about this technique of using physical touch...so true...and what really hit home was the part about first response. After nearly 13 yrs of marriage, I got a lot out of this!
And you know...when I got to the bottom of the post, I was all set to check out the "outrageous" Christian couple photos and my mouth flew open to see my own name! Thank you so much! That photo of our quick visit to NYC was so thrilling! Tiring...but thrilling! :)
Blessings, emom!
Loved this article! The physical touching is such a cure for many things!
I have posted a few photos of hubby and I on my blog. Not sure how to give you a link to it though. I'm not that savvy yet! It was a post titled "At Least I Can Blog"
http://anitalottahelp.blogspot.com/search/label/Arthritis
I always enjoy your articles on marriage, e-Mom. Keep 'em coming!
Oh, and hey, where's YOUR photo?
Good stuff!!!!
I really liked priciple #2. I have been using that technique and didn't even realize it was a technique. :-)
tammy: You said: "...what really hit home was the part about first response." Wow, I agree. My husband and I were using this concept sporadically, but when I saw the concept in this article, it really sank in.
BTW, I was so pleased to link to your NYC photo. We had an awesome and memorable time there too (in 2001, before 9/11). Your post really struck a chord with me. Also, my daughter is dating a NOAA Corps guy--like your Navy man. They were in the Big Apple together last summer. Thanks again for sharing your pic!
pam: Thanks for visiting! Glad you enjoyed this post. I'll be over to see your photos soon, and comment. :~)
tami: Lol, you're the first person to ask, thanks. (I was wondering if someone would.) I'll have to scamble around and find one of us to post--soon. :~)
sista cala: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Yes, technique #2 is a winner! :~)
Great tips - I'll go read the rest.
No, no couplehood pics.
leftcoastonlooker: Cheers! (As they/we say in Canada) :~)
E-mom, this looks like a good article. Typically, Tad and I are good communicators, but I don't think we touch when having "serious" conversations. I can see how it affects the outcome of those kinds of convos.
The principal of "first response" reminds me of something I often tell my children (and friends): "You can't always control your circumstances, and you rarely (if EVER) can control people, but you CAN control YOUR RESPONSE to circumstance and people...choose wisely."
Here's a link to our anniversary post; I didn't check to see if you saw it before copying and pasting it here :).
http://openconversation.blogspot.com/2006/11/i-want-you-just-way-you-are.html
robin: You are SO wise. This demonstrates the biblical principle of self-control:
"You can't always control your circumstances, and you rarely (if EVER) can control people, but you CAN control YOUR RESPONSE to circumstance and people...choose wisely." Your kids are well-taught!
Thanks for the link. I saw the post, and I'll go back again now just for fun. Billy Joel? :~)
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