Now We’reTalking!
The kids are in bed. There’s nothing on TV tonight. I ask my husband if he minds if I turn the tube off. He grunts.
As I walk to the set, my mind is racing. Maybe, just maybe tonight we’ll talk. I mean, we’ll have a conversation that consists of more than my usual questions and his mumbled one-word answers... or no answer at all.
Silence—I live in a world of continuous noise, but between him and myself, silence. Please—O God, let him open up. I initiate (once again, for the thousandth time). My heart pounds—oh, how can I word it this time? What can I say that will open the door just to talk? I don’t have to have a deep meaningful conversation. Just something!
As I open my mouth—he gets up and goes to the bedroom. The door closes behind him. The crack of light showing under the door gives way to darkness. So does my hope…
This excerpt is quoted from Now We’re Talking! Robert and Pamela Crosby.
According to Dr. Willard Harley’s website and his book, His Needs Her Needs if you’re a woman, you have a strong need for meaningful conversation with your spouse at the feeling level. Intimacy, or "in-to-me-see," is vitally important to the health of your marriage. So what should you do when your husband is pre-occupied or seems disinterested in talking?
His Silence = His Stress
First, understand the male need to silently mull over problems alone. When your man is emotionally distant, like a growly bear, it’s likely he has retreated to his “cave.” His lack of engagement is not a reflection of a lack of love for you but rather, it’s an indication of how much stress he feels. The most supportive thing you can do for him at these times is to do something that makes you happy—like calling your girlfriends, going shopping, or taking a bubble bath. When your husband’s stress has lessened and he sees that you are smiling, he’ll be more likely to initiate a conversation. Why? Because your happiness makes your husband happy. Remember that your man wants so much to please you. If you appear unhappy (with frowns or tears) he will probably feel he has somehow failed you. So the next time your “bear” goes into hibernation, do something counterintuitive. Try luring him out of his cave with the honey of your warm and welcoming smiles.
The Art of Asking Questions
Let’s say it’s Saturday night you and your husband have scheduled a date. You’re both feeling relaxed and the talk begins to flow. You can take your conversation to a deeper level by asking some great pre-planned questions. Keep the following pointers in mind before you dive in.
● Begin in the shallow end of the pool and then wade deeper.
● Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” and “no.”
● Ask for your husband’s opinion about something. Few men can resist the opportunity to pontificate!
● Ask feeling questions eg. “How did you feel about xyz…” instead of “What did you think about xyz…”
● Be specific eg. “What made you feel successful today?” instead of “How was your day?”
● Make use of the “pregnant pause.” Don’t be afraid to wait a few minutes in silence while your spouse thinks through his response.
● Avoid asking “why?” questions. They can quickly move your conversation from a feeling level to a defensive thinking level.
15 Great Questions to Ask Your Husband
Now We’re Talking! by Robert and Pamela Crosby (updated version is called Creative Conversation Starters For Couples) and The Ungame (a board game where everyone wins) both offer lists of excellent questions you can try on your spouse. Now We’re Talking! offers suggested questions about Favorites, Fun, Fond Memories, Family, Friends, Feelings, Finances, Failures, Fears, the Future, and Faith. Following are some questions from The Ungame, “the world's most popular communication game.” Read the reviews of this classic game here.
2. What would you like to be remembered for after
you die?
3. Describe a happy family.
4. What activity do you engage in that involves all of you: your mind, body, and soul?
5. Give three words to describe how you feel right now.
6. In what ways do you act like a child?
7. Share a time when your feelings were hurt.
8. Thinking back, what can you identify as a turning point in your life?
9. What do you want to be doing in ten years.
10. Complete the statement: “One thing I missed during my childhood was…”
11. Complete the statement: “A new world opened up to me when…”
12. Share one of the happiest days of your life.
13. If you were told you only had one week to live—how would you spend it?
14. What makes you sad?
15. Share something that you fear.
So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Luke 11:9-10 NIV)
Ask me anything. Go Ahead. It's your turn to ask ME a question!Photos courtesy of Squonk11 and thokrates (Flickr)
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24 Comments:
Okay ... I would love to know your first name, if it is here on your blog somewhere I have not found it. I like e-mom, but you would seem more real to me with a name. ;)
AND ... HOW MANY years have you been married?
Tara
OK, here's my question:
How in the world do you have the time to put together a post like this? It is great. I will have to come back later to "digest" all this. Thanks.
The timing of your post here is very appropriate given the "husband challenge" for today...great tips and thoughts. I'm going to link to your post here in my D16's Response later if you don't mind!
So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Luke 11:9-10 NIV)
I receive that sister! As Laura said right on time. I will dwell on this scripture and the positive aspects of my husband instead of stabbin him with a fork.
My questions are where do you go to church? (Denomination not location) What age were you saved? Are you filled with the Holy Spirit with evidence of speaking on tongues?
wait.. did you have a question limit?
Loved this post. Also, the rss had an article you did in May on children's spiritual gifts. I posted a link to both on my blog today. Thanks! Christie
What does it mean if I'm the one who loves the cave? lol
I've read something similar before about that. Interesting topic. I think I need to think about it some more! You always are making me think!
All these points and ideas are really good food for thought, like most women I'd love for my hubby to talk more with me lol
tara: Great questions! Keep asking boldly in life, and you'll go FAR. I prefer to use my "nom de plume" in blogland, but today for you only... a little riddle. In real life, I answer to a word that begins with "V" and is the name of a state on the east coast. My close friends shorten that word to another word that rhymes with "skinny." Got it? :~)
We've been married 28 years almost to the day. I've posted a photo of the two of us on our very first date here. My husband had hair then!
swampwitch: Thanks for stopping by! I try to live these things, so it didn't take too long to write this post. My husband and I have played the Ungame together a lot. Believe it or not, he knew about it before I did.
laura: You're doing a neat series on husbands. I'd love to have you link to me, thanks!
vicki: That's a powerful verse. The Lord delights to answer our prayers. Thanks for your bold questions!
We currently attend a large Presbyterian church (PC-USA)--for nearly two decades. Latterly, I've been active in a women's intergenerational fellowship group there. My recent theological training was through an AOG university. I've been a born-again Christian since I was 18 years old--over 30 years. (My testimony is here.) Yes, I believe in the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and I do speak in tongues, but mainly in private.
crickl Nice to see you here. Wow, thanks for your two links! I be over to see you soon...
amydeanne: It's not surprising that you want to "cave"
--you have three young children very close in age. I imagine you are totally exhausted at the end of the day. :-(
As your children grow, things may change. It's really helpful to understand how the two genders tend to deal with major stress. Generally, women want to "vent" and talk about what's bothering them. And generally, men clam up and don't want to talk about what's bothering them. When women vent, husbands often feel like they're being blamed, and when men "cave" wives often feel they're being ignored. The trick is to support our spouses with what they need, so that later, we can get what we need. As women, we are wise to establish other sources of emotional support to carry us through those inevitable stress-filled periods when our husbands are unavailable.
YAY --- Happy Anniversary to you --- 28 years, that is awesome.
Cyber Hugs-
tara
I am going to pass this post on to a good friend of mine. Everything you describe here (wrong spelling first time) sounds like it is happening in her life. I pray this will help her.
emom rocks.
I need healing in my body. My mind and thought processes. Does a scripture come to mind? I have several. I just felt like I was supposed to ask you.
I've heard of many women going to fellowship groups lately. It's crossing denominational barriers. Maybe when the season of me teaching Wed nights is finished I can start going to them.
You know those questions would make a great meme! And congratulations on 28 years together...so you survived the 7 year itch? lol. My hubby and I are babies on only 6 years together.
Now for questions, oh what Bible version do you prefer (if any particular) and why? Is there a particular Bible verse you return to time after time for comfort or encouragement? :o)
tara: Thanks! Cyber hugs back to you!
lori: I do hope your friend finds the help she needs. :~)
vicki: It sounds like you need a break, and maybe a change of scenery too. The verse that comes immediately to mind is a favorite of mine, and may help you too:
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
(Is. 40:31 NASB)
mrs. blythe: You're right, they would make a great meme... run with it! Thanks for your good wishes. Congrats on your 6 years. We had 1-1/2 (!) children at seven years of marriage. We started regular bi-weekly date nights (Wed. and Sat.) right around then and made it a habit to spend private time together, which we continue to this day. We are the best of friends. :~) Have we had difficult seasons? Yes, but now we can offer what we learned to help others through.
I use the NIV Bible for serious study, and the NASB and ESV to compare passages. (I've put the NIV Archeological Study Bible on my wishlist.) I intend to answer the "why" of these Bible translations in a future blog post. I hope that's OK. I also own an NIV translation published in the U.K, because as a Cdn. expat., I'm accustomed to the British spellings of words like "neighbour." (Hodder & Stoughton)
A favourite verse? Probably this one, because it's so encouraging when life's setbacks occur:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose. (Rom. 8:28 NIV).
Thanks for asking!
amy: I hope these ideas can help you initiate some good conversations with your husband. :~)
Thanks e-mom. We primarily use the NIV, but also sometimes the Living Bible and RSV. I have a great KJV/Greek Interlinear copy I borrowed from church too. The only bible I have really disliked is The Message Bible...it makes me cringe. I would be really interested in your analysis of the NIV particularly accuracy-wise. There is one part in the epistles where 'flesh' is rendered 'sinful nature', I believe the RSV is a much more accurate direct translation. BUT having said all that I'm no Biblical scholar and I would be interested in any discussion about translations.
That is a great scripture. That God uses all things for the good of those who love Him - even the difficult stuff.
I am late once again to a great discussion.
I do have to ask a question: You must read a lot of books/web-sites, because you always have something wonderful to say. My question: do you read on recommandations or just browse?
To you article -- we don't talk much after work -- I call it re-group time, but I do ask more questions when I can 'sense' that his day wasn't good...We talk mostly outside the home, either in the car/truck when we go places (no distractions :)) -- or when we go out for dinner...
eph2810: Great question. Yes, I do read everything. I'm somewhat of a bookworm, ever since childhood. (The books on "Barista's Bookshelf" are just a sample of my library.) For some people, it's chocolate--but my weakness is buying used books online. I just don't seem to have enough shelf space...
I'm also a veteran internet googler/surfer. You should see the reams of printer paper (and ink) I go through. Do you happen to have any extra file drawers? :~)
Many of the articles and books I recommend, I've read over twenty-plus years of raising our family. (I didn't just read them yesterday.) Thanks so much for coming here and commenting, Iris. HUGE hugs my friend!
It sounds like you and your husband have figured out how to "do" conversation. One of my husband's favorite places to talk is in the car too. Whenever my he asks me to go for a drive, I know he wants to talk guy-style, "side-by-side." As for me, I prefer the "face-to-face" intimacy of dinners out. That's when he let's me do the talking. (He says he likes the sound of my voice.) When we both have a lot to say, we take turns--half an hour each--until we're all talked out. We actually time each other! :~)
mrs blythe: It sounds like you're reading out of a variety of Bible translations--and that's the very best thing to do. I've almost finished writing my post on this topic, so please check back (next week, God-willing).
If you're really eager to dive in, the source for my thoughts is from Chapter 2 of How to Read the Bible For All It's Worth (third edition) by Fee and Stuart. This book was a "textbook" for a course on hermeneutics I took last year. Among other things, it covers some of the problems with the KJV. (Don't intend to step on any toes...) Maybe your church library has a copy. If not, it's available in paperback and is quite affordable.
Your question about the rendering of "the flesh" is directly addressed by the authors, so I will quote what they say now:
In chapter 1 we also noted the difficulty in rendering Paul's use of the word sarx (flesh). In most cases, almost anything is better than the literal "flesh." The TNIV handles this word especially well: "sinful nature" when Paul is contrasting "flesh" and "spirit"; "human nature" in Romans 1:3 wher it refers to Jesus' Davidic descent; "from a worldly point of view" in 2Corintians 5:6...; and "body" when it means that, as in Colossians 1:22. This kind of thing can be illustrated many times over and is one of the reasons why a translation by functional equivalence [like the NIV or TNIV] is much preferred to a more "literal translation" [like NASB or KJV.]
Clear as mud? If so, perhaps my upcoming post will help. Better yet, I encourage you to get this book!
Blessings, e-Mom
Clear as mud - but then scholarly annotations always did muddy the waters of my brain. I did a little of my own research on Biblical translations. I had never heard of the KJV only argument until I became a blogger and so I was very interested in the discussions. The KJV is a lovely translation, but our church uses NIV mostly. Our Pastor likes the RSV when literal accuracy is needed to check against. I like the Living Bible because, whilst I would always check meaning against a more literal rendition, it speaks to me and I feel no check in my spirit when reading, so I believe it to be a good narrative version.
I look forward to reading your post! :o)
mrs blythe There is so much to say about the various translations. Unfortunately, I will only be able to cover the basics. However, you're using some of the best versions across the spectrum--from formal equivalence (RSV) to functional equivalence (NIV) to paraphrase (LB). You've got the bases covered! :~)
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